Blog-O-Fun

Top 10 Films of 2011

2012-01-05T16:20:00.024-06:00

Whelp, here it is, my top 10 films of 2011.

I really wanted to wait to do this until after I watched just a few more essential 2011 films such as A Separation, The Trip, and Uncle Boonmee Who Can Recall His Past Lives, but I just can't hold it in anymore!

After the Top 10 List, I've posted a list of every single film I've seen over the past year along with the exact rating I gave the movie on a scale from 1 to 10, because I'm pretty sure I'm autistic.

10. Bridesmaids

Kristen Wiig makes a huge leap out of SNL pergatory with this hilariously heartfelt and poignant comedy that makes me can't wait for the day I'm a sad, 38 year-old woman.

9. Hugo

The great Martin Scorsese uses the shit out of 3D technology to create not only the beautiful world of an early 20th-century Paris train station, but also a loving tribute to the early days of cinema.

8. Meek's Cutoff

If you ever wondered what would happen if Terrence Malick decided to adapt the "Oregon Trail" video games into a film, well, this incredibly striking and existential movie would probably be it.

7. Take Shelter

Michael Shannon is the man, and proves it once again with his devastating performance in this film about a blue-collared worker named Curtis (played by Shannon) who starts to see disturbing visions of the Apocalypse and the psychological and emotional consequences it has on him and his family.

6. Moneyball

If there's anything I hate more than math, it's the sport of Baseball, yet somehow director Bennett Miller and screenwriters Steve Zallian and Aaron Zorkin (along with fantastic performances by Bradd Pitt and Jonah Hill) combine these two terrible things to create an exhilarating and moving story about a baseball manager who uses statistics and numbers to make his no-name, no-money team a contender in the big leagues.

5. Beginners

Mike Mills follows his terrific 2005 film debut Thumbsucker with an even more terrific movie about a young man named Oliver (played by Ewan McGregor) who finds out his aging, cancer-ridden father (played by the sure the win the Oscar for Best Supporting Actor this year, Christopher Plummer) is gay. It's a super quirky, super sweet film that shows you it's never too late to find happiness.

4. Young Adult

Director Jason Reitman reunites with Juno writer Diablo Cody and solidifies his place as one the great filmmakers of his generation with this intelligent dark comedy about a washed up at the age of 37 young adult book writer Mavis (played oh so awesomely by Charlize Theron) who decides to return to her small hometown in Minnesota to win back the heart of her High School sweetheart, Buddy (played by the always solid Patrick Wilson). For those keeping score at home, Jason Reitman is now 4 for 4 when it comes to making great movies. (His previous films: Thank You for Smoking, Juno and Up in the Air; when will this man make a not good movie?)

3. 13 Assassins

Takshi Miike masterfully combines an old school samurai film structure with a bloody, balls to the wall modern action movie aesthetic to create an intensely powerful story set in ancient Japan about a group of rag-tag samurais who come together to kill a maniacal lord. Also, the entire last hour of the film is a battle scene that is so epic in its awesome epicness that it would make the great Japanese filmmaker Akira Kurosawa rise from the dead and cry!

2. The Tree of Life

Terrence Malick returns with a cinematic magnum opus that is somewhere between a dream and a stream of consciousness about life, death and the insignificance we feel against the universe surrounding us. Filled with one awe-inspiring sequence after enough, Malick creates a work of art that is able to feel hugely epic while being intensely personal at the same time. Oh yeah, and there's mother fuckin' DINOSAURS!!!

1. Drive

Drive is an icy-cold masterpiece that takes the action film genre and stomps its face in. A movie about a Hollywood stuntman who also works as a getaway driver could easily turn into a mindless romp that is just like all of the previous 17 Fast and the Furious movies, instead, director Nicolas Winding Refn deconstructs the American action film and rebuilds it with such cool finesse and beautiful craftsmanship, that it turns into something that is a brilliant homage to the driving films of the 1970s while also being its own unique thing. I think this scene perfectly demonstrates what makes Drive one of the most beautiful and bad-ass films I have ever seen:

Here is my list of all the 2011 films I've seen and their scores:

Drive	9.5
Tree Of Life	9.4
13 Assassins	9.0
Young Adult	8.9
Beginners	8.8
Moneyball	8.7
Take Shelter	8.7
Meek's Cutoff	8.6
Hugo	8.6
Bridesmaids	8.4
Midnight in Paris	8.3
Rango	8.3
Super 8	8.3
Martha Marcy May Marlene	8.3
Melancholia	8.2
Shame	8.2
Cave of Forgotten Dreams	8.1
Harry Potter & The Deathly Hallows Pt. 2	8
The Muppets	7.9
The Descendants	7.9
A Dangerous Method	7.9
The Artist	7.6
Conan O'Brien Can't Stop	7.5
Insidious	7.5
Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy	7.5
The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo	6.9
The Adventures of Tin Tin	6.8
War Horse	6.6

Is it weird that my 2 least favorite films of the year were Spielberg films? Get your shit together Steve.

Top 10 Albums of 2011

2011-12-08T15:22:00.014-06:00

Here it is, my list of the top 10 albums of 2011.

I spent way too much of my free time doing this:

10. Lykke Li- Wounded Rhymes

This was the year of awesome women making some awesome music. The likes of PJ Harvey, St. Vincent, Feist, Tune-Yards and Adele all proved that the ladies know what's up in 2011, but my favorite girl-powered album comes from Lykke Li with Wounded Rhymes, a soulful and rocking record full of great songs such as this one:

9. Bon Iver- Bon Iver

Listening to Bon Iver makes me think of beautiful landscapes like peaceful waterfalls or deer frolicking through a misty meadow, then I think about what I'm gonna eat later. Anyway, the album is really good.

8. Fleet Foxes- Helplessness Blues

There aren't many bands out there making better music than Fleet Foxes, and their sophomore album, Helplessness Blues, continues their winning ways by blending beautiful harmonies and old-school folk music with a contemporary spin. My Dad would totally love this album if he ever took The Eagles' Greatest Hits out of his CD player.

7. Yuck- Yuck

The Annual "Band That Tries Really Hard To Replicate That 90s Indie Rock Sound And Not Only Pulls It Off Successfully But Makes A Really Good Album In The Process" Award goes to English band Yuck and their self-titled debut record!

6. Radiohead- The King Of Limbs

So maybe King of Limbs isn't as good as Kid A (or even Hail to the Thief if we're being completely honest) but even a lesser Radiohead release is still going to be at least one of the top 6 albums of whatever year it comes out (as this list obviously proves). The album has a jerky, sparse electronic sound that doesn't always work (I'm looking at you, "Feral") but comes together to a hauntingly beautiful effect in other places (I'm looking at you, 2nd half of King of Limbs).

5. The War On Drugs- Slave Ambient

The War On Drugs brings to the table some good ole' fashioned American rock with their album, Slave Ambient, another record that my Dad would probably love if he just stopped watching Fox News and listened to cool music instead.

4. Fucked Up- David Comes To Life

The first track on Fucked Up's wonderful album is "Let Her Rest", a beautiful orchestra of guitars that does not prepare you, in any way, for the auditory onslaught that punches you in the face when the awesomely epic "Queen of Hearts" kicks in, and continues to beat you senseless for the next hour, as song after song of the most gorgeosuly crafted heavy metal you could ever hope to bust your eardrums comes at you like a tidal wave of indestructible noise.

3. Cults- Cults

On the outside, Cults sound like the cute and cuddly indie pop that we all know and love, but just underneath their bubblegum surface lies some pretty dark undertones (for example: soundbites from Jim Jones, leader of the People's Temple and responsible for the mass suicide of over 900 of his followers at Jonestown in 1978, is heard in the background of the album's sunny breakout hit, "Go Outside"). Their mixture of bright pop melodies and dark subject matter makes for an unique and extremely catchy album.

2. Smith Westerns- Dye It Blonde

The most consistently great album of the year proves that the Smith Westerns are a band to be noticed, with song after song of solidly constructed and wonderfully executed songs that sound sorta like what The Beatles would sound like if they were still around. (Because I would obviously know what The Beatles would sound like if they were still together, duh.)

1. M83- Hurry Up, We're Dreaming

M83's Hurry Up, We're Dreaming may be a few songs too long to be considered a full-fledged masterpiece, but no other album this year reaches the same glorious heights as this one does. Combining the beautiful epic-ness of Sigur Ros with booty shaking electronica, Anthony Gonzalez creates an album that often achieves moments of dream pop nirvana, and is sure to provide music for many awesome movie trailers and soundtracks for years to come.

Yay Music!

Stay tuned for my favorite Top 10 List I do every year, my Top 10 Films of the Year!

Top 10 Songs of 2011

2011-12-06T15:54:00.010-06:00

December is the time when most people spend time celebrating the holidays with their friends and family. For me, it's the time when I think about how to arbitrarily rank my favorite music and movies from the past year into meaningless top 10 lists, shoving my tastes in peoples' faces, and causing arguments where I say pretentious things like, "What? How can you NOT like Bon Iver?".

Anyway, to get things started, I'm going to unveil the first of my "Best of the Year" lists:

The Top 10 Songs of 2011

10. Dum Dum Girls: "Coming Down"

This slow-burning rocker by Dum Dum Girls sounds like the classic Mazzy Star song, "Fade Into You", if "Fade Into You" drank more and threatened to beat me up all the time.

9. Radiohead: "Codex"

It may not be an instant classic like so many of their previous albums, but Radiohead's King of Limbs still has some great gems on it, including my favorite, "Codex", which uses Thom Yorke' soulful voice and a minimalistic soundscape to beautiful effect.

8. Alex Winston: "Locomotive"

Let's liven things up a bit with this joyful and infectious song by Alex Winston who, to be honest, I don't know much about, but she'll probably be a big deal soon if she can keep making fun songs like this.

7. Tune-Yards: "Bizness"

Merill Garbus is a one-woman musical powerhouse, playing most of the instruments on her songs (and if you see her live, which you should, she creates all of the musical layers and drum loops herself). No song demonstrates her talents better, or more joyfully, than "Bizness" a groove-centric jam that will get your booty shaking. Oh, and the music video is just adorable:

6. Cut Copy: "Need You Now"

Now that LCD Soundsystem is officially retired (for now) who will be the torch bearer for making top-quality dance songs that would fit equally well at a rave as it would the background music of your hipster friend's house party? Answer: Cut Copy!

5. Eleanor Friedberger: "My Mistakes"

The female half of The Fiery Furnaces demonstrates on "My Mistakes" what Furnaces does so well, which is make pop songs that are just as weird (saxophone at the end) as they are awesome (everything else in the song).

4. M83: "Intro"

The opener for M83's Hurry Up We're Dreaming is a soaring knockout that takes you to unbelievable heights with the help of Zola Jesus's mesmerizing vocals and Anthony Gonzalez's epic musical vision.

M83 — Intro (feat. Zola Jesus) by tiago_custodio

3. Dirty Beaches: "Lone Runner"

This sultry jam comes straight out of your deepest, darkest, sexiest nightmares. Wait for the scary guitar part to kick in at minute 1:55 to have your face melted with its scariness.

2. College: "A Real Hero" (from the Drive soundtrack)

OK, so technically this song was released in 2010, but it didn't come into the public consiousness until this year when it showed up on the awesome soundtrack to the awesome action film, Drive. It's icy cold exterior doesn't hide the warmth of its soul (much like the movie it's used in) and along the way becomes one of the unlikeliest badass hero themes in film history.

1. Fucked Up: "The Other Shoe"

I don't like heavy metal, and I especially don't like heavy metal when the singer screams into the mic incomprehensibly, but that was before I listened to "The Other Shoe". All of the usual metal things I hate are used here, such as loud guitars and super loud screaming, but goddammit, Fucked Up somehow turns these elements into one of the most heart-pumping, adrenaline-running, beautifully moving pieces of music I have ever experienced.

So that's it for my favorite songs of the year. Stay tuned for my top 10 Albums of 2011, followed by Best Films of 2011. I know you're excited!

Super Bowl Cut

2011-03-27T21:24:00.007-05:00

Over the course of my work day, I was told by two different customers that I reminded them of someone.

The first customer told me I looked like the character Howard Wolowitz from the hit CBS sitcom, The Big Bang Theory.

I've never seen the show, so I didn't know who she was talking about.

She said, "You know, the really nerdy one with the bowl cut."

This guy:

I can see the resemblance.

The second customer, a middle aged Spanish lady who could barely speak English, said to me, "You look like Beatles."

As you can see, all the cool kids have bowl cuts.

Breakdown

2011-03-24T00:21:00.003-05:00

A lady was buying a blu-ray copy of the modern day masterpiece Yogi Bear at my work tonight.

She said to me, "I just hope it's as funny as people say it is!"

I then responded with, "Who would tell you this movie is funny?", while giving her the most condescending glare I could muster.

She sheepishly replied, "Well... it was just a friend of mine who told me."

I don't know why I made this perfectly nice woman feel bad, but she deserved it.

Anyway, here's a breakdown of what I've been up to, because everyone should know these things:

TV
I'm finally catching up on my hours and hours of dvr'd shows by getting through the last month worth of The Office, Parks and Recreation and Community. The "Dungeons and Dragons" episode of Community was perfection.

Movies
I forgot what movies looked like, but the little 6th grade boy inside me really wants to see Sucker Punch this weekend, even though director Zack Snyder and I are not on such good terms since Watchmen. (Oh, for all you hipsters out there that think you're too good for Sucker Punch, apparently there's a scene in there where they perform a musical number to The Pixies' "Where is My Mind" WWWHHHAAATTT???)

Video Games
I just finished playing God of War III, a game which proves that viciously disemboweling Greek Gods is very cathartic.

Books
I'm in the middle of reading Tom Shales and James Miller's epic oral history of Saturday Night Live, titled Live From New York, From what I gather so far, all it takes to be a comedic genius is to do a lot of coke and sleep with everyone you work with.

Music
So far, the music in 2011 has been a little underwhelming, but recently I've been getting into this band called Yuck, who bring a charming, 90s indie rock sound to their self-titled debut album.

I also went old-school and listened to Simon and Garfunkel's 1969 album, Bridge Over Troubled Water.

I thought I would be too cool for them, but then I listened to "The Only Living Boy in New York", and I realized I was very wrong.

Severely Under Appreciated- My Life As Liz

2011-03-19T15:45:00.009-05:00

Several million years from now, when the human race is long gone and aliens from another world are trying to figure out what we were up to in the year 2011, they may be confused as to why we worshiped a strange, orange creature named Snooki and pregnant 16 year-olds.

MTV has always been a revolutionary network, from the birth of music videos, which forever changed popular culture, to Total Request Live, which forever changed...Carson Daily's career?

However, MTV's biggest contribution to modern society would be a show that premiered on March 5th, 2002 called The Osbournes, which ushered in the era of "Sitcom Reality". Shows that have the feel of reality but the structure of scripted television (which brings in the question of how "real" these shows actually are).

The Osbournes was, for better or worse, groundbreaking, and set the blueprint for future shows such as Laguna Beach, The Hills, Jersey Shore, Teen Mom and the show I wanted to discuss today.

A show that does not get the viewers or publicity that other programs on the network get, but may be one of the most refreshing things MTV has produced since its 90s heyday.

A show that has taken the "Sitcom Reality" format to new, creative heights and is quietly defining a generation in the process.

The show is My Life As Liz.

While the first season, in which our independent, indie music loving, dyed-hair protagonist Liz Lee goes through the trials and triumphs of High School, fell into the same annoying trappings of similar scripted reality shows, it still showed a tremendous promise, taking The Hills-style camerawork and energizing it with a fun, quirky sensibility and characters that are actually relate-able on some level.

I don't know any Spencer Pratt's (thank fucking God) but I do know plenty of Star Wars- quoting nerds like Liz Lee and her BFF Sully, a loveable geek who is in love with Liz but can't seem to ever get out of the friend zone.

Liz and her pals are just like my pals, and I assume just like the pals of who ever reads this.

Now in the middle of its second season, in which Liz moves to New York for art school, the show has really hit its stride by perfectly tapping into that awkward post-High School phase where people in their late teens and early 20s begin the painful transition from childhood to being grown-ups.

While the first season focused on trying to maintain one's individuality in a small, conservative Texas town, the second season goes to a higher level by tackling issues of moving on from one's past and the overwhelming feeling of uncertainty we go through when we try to decide what to do with our lives.

While most shows aiming for a young demographic make college into a 4 year orgy of non-stop sex and drugs, My Life as Liz depicts it as it really is, a scary place where it's easy to feel lost and alone.

Liz has a hard time adapting to the big city, can't find any inspiration for her art projects, and can't make any friends (except for the handsome art school student that is SO into her).

One reason I could never get on board with The Hills was because I find nothing exciting or dramatic about watching rich white kids with problems, and while the gang from My Life As Liz are definitely white, and are definitely not poor, their problems seem much more grounded in reality than whatever is bothering Lauren Conrad on any given week of her show.

Much of that is thanks to Liz Lee herself, who is the rare exception of people who have their own reality show and don't go crazy.

She's a confident woman who embraces her individuality and walks to the beat of her own drum.

She's like the Clarissa Darling of our generation (and now that I mention it, the show's many cuts to Liz Lee breaking the fourth wall by addressing the audience is very similar to Clarissa Explains It All).

Finally, what the show has that it's fuax reality contemporaries severely lack is its big heart. The producers genuinely care about the people instead of mocking them (Jersey Shore) and the situations and events, no matter how scripted they probably are, seem like they're coming from a real, emotional core.

The show chooses to celebrate individuality over status, and highlights the painfully real angst of growing up rather than how hard it is to be rich, famous and beautiful.

It may be the Freaks and Geeks of reality TV, and just like that show in its too-brief existence, My Life As Liz is severely under appreciated.

Holiday Dissapointment

2011-03-16T01:17:00.004-05:00

I went to see the Elephant 6 Collective concert tonight for the off chance that Jeff Magnum showed up to sing me the entirety of his classic album, In The Aeroplane Over The Sea.

It did not happen.

But the night wasn't a total disappointment.

I overheard a hipster say one of the most hipsterish things I have ever heard.

He said, "Yeah, I only buy live jazz records now, because they're so cheap"

Wow.

He then went on to talk about his brand new iPad 2, because he loves cheap things so much.

Super Size Sean

2011-03-14T23:14:00.003-05:00

It only took me 22 years of living, but I finally tried my first Big Mac today.

It tasted like delicious heart failure.

In more important news, my first sketch show went up last Saturday.

It went great, except for the fact that the audience did not laugh the entire time.

I don't know what happened. We did everything the same way that made us laugh in rehearsal.

Not even my monologue as an old lady (always a hit at rehearsal) could get a chuckle from them.

NOT EVEN A CHUCKLE!

Are Chicago audiences too good for a guy dressed up as an elderly woman?

Apparently so.

Do they sit with silent judgment when they watch the comedy classic, Mrs. Doubtfire?

Probably so.

What Did I Learn Today?

It's hard to be funny when no one laughs at you.

A Joke A Day Keeps My Dying Dreams Away

2011-03-12T00:23:00.002-06:00

One of the reasons for moving to Chicago was to pursue my dreams of becoming a comedy writer.

But after living here for five months, I've realized I barely write anymore.

This once great blog that I updated on a daily basis for years has turned into an amateur hour that I'm lucky to write in once a week.

The less I write, the harder it is to get my mojo back.

I've also come to realize that for wanting to be a comedy writer, I'm severely lacking in the actual "jokes" department.

So I'm going to start focusing on my joke writing skills by coming up with at least one topical joke every day.

Some may be good enough to share on Blog-O-Fun, but I expect most will have to be hidden in the dark corners of my laptop.

Here's the first few jokes I've written.

Expect to be totally not blown away.

After intense negotiations broke down between players and owners, the NFL has declared the first lockout since 1987. So get ready America for your new National Past-Time: "Charlie Sheen Says Crazy Things!"

Mel Gibson has pleaded no contest to battery charges stemming from a domestic violence incident last year with his then-girlfriend, Oksana Grigorieva. Gibson will avoid prison time, but will still get the strict punishment of three years probation, counseling, and performing 16 hours of watching Lethal Weapon 4.

There's lots more where that came from (there's not).

Fat Thoughts For A Fat Tuesday

2011-03-08T22:11:00.003-06:00

I hate when I ask customers at work if they want a bag, and they respond with, "No, I want to help the environment."

How is this helping the environment?

The bags are already made.

The tree is dead.

The damage has been done.

And what do they think we do with the unused bags? Plant them in the ground and grow a rain forest?

Either the customer throws the plastic bag away or we do, either way, the Earth dies a terrible death.

Sean Charm

2011-03-04T22:01:00.004-06:00

Today was my first day off since around The Prohibition Era.

I slept till about 2:30 pm and it was magical.

It was like I was in college again.

I was waiting for the bus two days ago and this attractive girl and I started having this conversation (which is funny, because I'm terrified of talking to attractive women).

We talked some more on the bus, she just moved to Chicago like I did. We really hit it off, and exchanged numbers (which is funny, because I never get girls' numbers)

You can't deny the Sean Charm.

I was feeling unstoppable. Have I, the guy who didn't have his first kiss till he was 17, finally become desirable to women?

Obviously.

So yesterday I texted the girl, asking if she wanted to hang out sometime in the near future.

She never texted me back...

There is no Sean Charm, only Sean Rejection.

I get really home sick sometimes.

I miss the Louisiana humidity, I miss Southern accents, I miss Raisins Canes' sauce, I miss people who say "Coke" instead of "pop", I miss strangers that call you "baby" or "boo" as if they know you.

But good things are on the horizon!

My first sketch show starts in a week!

And today gave me yet another reason why I made a great choice in moving to Chicago.

That reason is the Pitchfork Music Festival.

Animal Collective, Fleet Foxes, TV on the Radio, Cut Copy, Deerhunter and did I mention Animal Collective?

ANIMAL COLLECTIVE!

Also, I've recently come across two musicians that everyone should get to know, because they're gonna be big within the next year.

First off is Swedish cutie Lykke Li, who has made herself into a sort of indie Lady Gaga.

Her sophomore album, Wounded Rhymes, is pretty awesome, and, along with Robyn, proves once again that Sweden's water supply is infected with pop music perfection.

Next up is the California rap group Odd Future (or if you want to be a pretentious person, they're actually called Odd Future Wolf Gang Kill Them All).

They're just starting out, but their epically dark sound and quirky rhymes is already shaking things up in the underground music world, and all signs point to them being the next big thing in hip hop.

Check out this music video which frightens me, but in a good way:

And check out Odd Future giving a creeptastic performance on Late Night With Jimmy Fallon (by the way, when did Late Night with Jimmy Fallon become awesome?)

And The Awkward Award Show Goes To...

2011-03-01T01:00:00.002-06:00

I'm not sure of what to make of last night's Oscar festivities.

Between James Franco giving new meaning to the term, "low energy" and creepy hologram Bob Hope, I wasn't sure whether to laugh or cry at what was happening.

Let's break it down:

The Good
-Well...I guess that auto-tuned Harry Potter thing was pretty funny, right?

-Billy Crystal's appearance was like a ray of sunshine bursting through the clouds on a stormy day, that is, until it got weird...

The Bad

-Oh no! It's creepy hologram Bob Hope!

-Alfred Hitchcock-0 Academy Awards. Tim Burton's Alice in Wonderland- 2 Academy Awards

- I always wondered why characters in Aaron Sorkin scripts talk very fast while saying long-winded, pretentious monologues in a very pompous and self-congratulatory manner, and then I heard him speak, and it all makes so much sense now.

The Ugly

-Kirk Douglas will haunt my dreams for years to come.

-Inner-city school kids singing "Somewhere Over The Rainbow" + the night's winners waving their Oscars around as douchey as possible = my head exploding.

Oscar Schmoscars

2011-02-26T23:03:00.004-06:00

I got the Oscar Fever, so in preparation for the Movie Nerd Super Bowl that's going down tomorrow night, I wanted to go over some thoughts as well as pick the biggest snubs and who I think will take home that shiny, bald naked man.

Strangest Nominee In Any Category

- Barney's Version- Best Achievement in Makeup

I'm being very ignorant here since I haven't seen the film, and it may have fantastic makeup, but it's funny to imagine people watching this incredibly under the radar Paul Giamatti-starring film and thinking, "Oh Boy! This movie's got Best Makeup Oscar gold written all over it!"

Runner-Up:

-The Wolfman- Best Achievement in Makeup

What I'm really trying to say here is that the Best Makeup Category is stupid this year.

Nominees I Feel Most Sorry For

-Every movie that's not Toy Story 3 in the Best Animated Film category.

Don't worry Dreamworks, you only have to compete against Cars 2 next year.

Runner-Up

-The short film nominees

If they were seated any further back, they would be chilling in the bathrooms, and after walking 10 miles up the aisle to accept their award, they get about 5 seconds to say anything before getting punched in the face and forced off stage so the show's producers can play yet another awkward montage of movies that feature typewriters.

Biggest Snub

-Ryan Gosling- Best Actor for Blue Valentine

All of the Best Actor nominees were pretty great in their respective roles (I didn't see Biutiful, but I'm sure Bardem rocked it) but Gosling's turn as a husband in a disintegrating marriage is both powerfully heartbreaking and disturbing, while also showcasing his incredible range as an actor, if only he had a speech impediment in the film!

Runner-Up

-Lee Unkrich- Best Director for Toy Story 3

It's time the Academy starts to realize that directors for animated movies are just as legitimate of filmmakers as their live-action counterparts. They have to compose shots, come up with camera angles, direct the actor's performance, and find the best ways to tell the story visually just like any other film director. If James Cameron can get nominated for directing the 99% computer-made Avatar, then Unkrich should also be recognized for his brilliant direction.

My Picks!

Best Supporting Actress

Winner: Melissa Leo- The Fighter

Deserves It? Yes.

Possible Upset: Definitely. This category is one of the most interesting, with True Grit's Hailee Steinfeld very possibly coming out ahead.

Best Supporting Actor

Winner: Christian Bale- The Fighter

Deserves It? Hells yeah.

Possible Upset: Geoffrey Rush was gathering some steam with The King's Speech recent surge, but I think Bale's got this locked up.

Best Actress

Winner: Natalie Portman- Black Swan

Deserves It? Very much so.

Possible Upset: Absolutely not.

Best Actor

Winner: Colin Firth- The King's Speech

Deserves It? See Biggest Snub section of blog.

Possible Upset: There's a higher chance of Anne Hathaway marrying me than someone beating Colin Firth (by the way, please marry me Anne Hathaway).

Best Director

Winner: David Fincher-The Social Network

Deserves It? Fincher directed the shit out of this movie, but Darren Aronofsky's masterful job on Black Swan really deserves the award.

Possible Upset: Technically, The King's Speech's Tom Hooper is the favorite, so I'm picking the upset for this one. It's time the guy who made Seven and Fight Club gets his dues anyway.

Best Picture

Winner: The King's Speech

Deserves It? Not really. It's a fine, entertaining movie, and it won't crush my soul if it wins, but a decade from now, when pretentious people like myself come up with the best films of the 2010s I can guarantee you not many folks are going to have The King's Speech ranked above instant classics like The Social Network or Black Swan (or Toy Story 3, Inception, The Fighter, True Grit and Winter's Bone if we're being completely honest).

Possible Upset: I still think the early awards season favorite, The Social Network, has a solid chance of winning. Given that it was the most acclaimed film of 2010, and the fact that the Academy has gravitated towards darker material over the past few years, it seems like it should be the clear favorite, but then again, The King's Speech has the Weinsteins in it's corner, who, if you recall, sold their souls to Satan around the time Shakespeare in Love beat Saving Private Ryan for Best Picture.

Sick Day Part 2: Electic Bugaloo

2011-02-21T23:19:00.005-06:00

Remember in the Double Dare obstacle course, when someone had to find the red flag in the nostrils of this giant nose that constantly sprayed slime on them?

Today, I was that giant nose.

In my feverish state yesterday, I wrote down two ideas that I thought were pure comedic genius.

The first idea:

"The Secret" Party.

It took me awhile to remember why I wrote this down, but then I remembered that I thought it would be hilarious if a group of people threw a party based on the popular self-help book "The Secret", which preaches the powers of positive energy, and an extremely negative person came and ruined it for everybody.

That one may need some work.

The second idea:

Time-Traveling Tupac.

That one is self-explanatory.

I'm gonna go eat a shit load of ice cream now.

Where Horrible Fever Dreams May Come

2011-02-20T22:09:00.003-06:00

My body is ravaged with fever.

I've been meaning to take a day or two off to recuperate from life and ironically, it has taken a terrible flu to do just that.

The best part of fevers are the intensely surreal David Lynch-like dreams that come with them.

My favorite so far has been a dream where Amy Poehler announced at a live press conference that she was leaving the show Parks and Recreation to join the military.

I woke up deeply upset and confused.

Bath Time.

Fallout

2011-02-20T01:04:00.002-06:00

There was a lot to take in this past week.

First Arcade Fire wins the Grammy for Best Album of the Year which means...

What?

Indie music is dead?

Arcade Fire is the new biggest rock band in the world?

The Grammy's are meaningless and none of this matters?

I'm not sure, but ever since I heard the first few chords of "Neighborhood 1 (Tunnels)" back in High School, I knew this day was inevitable.

Arcade Fire has crossed over into the mainstream, and while some may shout cries of "sell-outs" and "traitors", you can't blame the band for being awesome.

I'll admit that watching Win Butler and the gang accept the award gave me mixed feelings of both jubilation and jealousy ("I'm proud of them, but they're MY band, and no one else can have them!" *crosses arms and pouts*)

It may be a little scary to watch them explode into popular culture like this, but mainstream audiences need a band like Arcade Fire to show them how it's done.

Plus, if there's any band that deserves to take away the crown from mega-groups like Coldplay and U2, it's the band that made Funeral.

However, just when you were almost done processing Arcade Fire being the next great rock band, a little group from across the pond named Radiohead reminded you that they are still around, and still better than everyone.

After listening to The King of Limbs a few times (and by that I mean 25 times) I can safely say that Radiohead is still the bee's knees, and have made another classic, although it's a pretty low-key classic (maybe a little TOO low-key in some places actually)

It doesn't punch you in the gut like some of their previous releases, but instead, slowly seeps into your mind, giving you pleasant dreams of Thom Yorke awkwardly dancing in your head.

None of the tracks may reach the levels of the bands' greatest heights, but the 2nd half of the album holds some of their prettiest songs ever.

We'll have to see if it grows in greatness over the years as I think In Rainbows has done.

Until then, we can dream of Thom Yorke dancing...to Beyonce!

Top 5 Most Unintentionally Creepy Product Mascots

2011-02-15T00:39:00.006-06:00

Here is the list everyone has been waiting for:

The Top 5 Most Unintentionally Creepy Product Mascots

5. Mr. Clean

The man synonymous with shiny surfaces has always seemed better suited to be a bouncer at a very shady gay bar. I don't know what's creepier, the earring, or the white eyebrows. Either way, I don't want Mr. Clean anywhere near my family.

4. Snuggles

Cute and cuddly fabric softener mascot? Or vicious man-eater that lurks in your laundry basket, waiting for the right moment to devour your flesh? Just because he softly giggles while adorably rolling around in your fresh linens doesn't take away the fact that he is a goddamn bear, and he likes the taste of human bone.

3. California Raisins

If there is one thing that should not have a face and sing Motown-style songs, it would be dried up grapes.

2. Ronald McDonald and Friends

He is one of the most recognizable and popular figures in the world, so why can't Ronald hang out with anyone cooler than a junkie that steals food from innocent children and a weird purple blob thing? Maybe it's because he's a terrifying clown, and no one wants to hang out with terrifying clowns. Not only does Ronald McDonald contribute to the dangerous obesity epidemic that plagues this country, but he also contributes to the scary clown dream epidemic that plagues me every night when I go to sleep.

1. Burt (from Burt's Bees)

One would naturally assume the person who should be an expert on soft, healthy lips would be a slightly deranged old man who looks like he hasn't left his deserted lighthouse in 30 years. I have no idea who Burt is or why he was chosen to be the face on natural lip balm, but he makes me very uncomfortable.

Super Banana

2011-02-07T21:25:00.003-06:00

I was sitting at a bar the other night and spotted a guy dressed up in a banana costume walking into the establishment, with the confidence only a guy dressed up as a banana could have.

Then another person dressed as a banana walked in.

Then some more.

In a short amount of time, there were over 50 people dressed as bananas crowding this bar.

It was magical.

I asked one of the banana people what the deal was.

They responded with, "We're just here to party, man!"

Fair enough.

So the Super Bowl turned out to be a pretty solid, despite Christina Aguilera ruining the National Anthem, and The Black Eyed Peas ruining everything else that is good in this world.

My favorite part of the Super Bowl (besides when the Saints win it) are the commercials.

Is it weird that I was kind of moved by Eminem's car commercial? (By the way, when did Slim Shady start doing car commercials?)

But my favorite commercial wasn't just a commercial, but a MOVIE commercial for J.J. Abram's latest film Super 8, which is supposed to be a throwback to Spielberg movies of yesteryear.

It made me pee a little.

Thunder Snow

2011-02-01T21:56:00.003-06:00

I'm currently experiencing my first blizzard.

I walked home from work tonight through a hurricane of snowy death.

Over a foot of snow, trying its best to bury me in an icy tomb.

50 mph winds, like an invisible wall pushing me back.

Walking across the street from me was a young mother, holding the hand of her 5 year-old daughter.

It may have been my imagination, but I'm pretty sure I saw that little girl's feet leave the ground.

If it wasn't for her mother's hand, that child would still be flying somewhere around the Chicago area.

Now we have to deal with Thunder Snow.

THUNDER SNOW!

A mixture of thunder, lighting, and snow, a concept that is equally silly and terrifying.

Hopefully I will live to see another day.

I may be surrounded by an arctic tundra, but I can still warm my soul by listening to this fantastic early song from Nico, which should have been played over the closing credits of a Mad Men episode by now.

That song was produced by Jimmy Page. Yes, THAT Jimmy Page.

Man Period

2011-02-01T00:47:00.003-06:00

Maybe it's that time of the month, but I've been feeling very sensitive and vulnerable lately.

My feelings have been getting hurt so easily.

For instance, yesterday at work, I was minding my own business, eating some Mcdonalds in the break room (delicious, crispy BBQ Snack Wraps by the way) and this co-worker who I've never seen before in my life (and for some strange reason, never saw again after this incident) sat down next to me.

After a few moments, he turned to me and stared.

I looked at him, and he told me, "Has anyone ever told you your hair looks like shit?"

I was frozen in fear and bewilderment.

Did this guy, who I've never met before in my life, just insult my hair?

My beautiful Justin Beiber-like hair?

He did indeed.

I could only respond by awkwardly explaining that I had been wearing a hat all day, and my hair was pretty messed up.

He then said, "Nah, the hat has nothing to do with it."

"Ok", I said quietly, returning to my snack wraps, trying my best not to cry.

Then he burst into laughter and said, "I'm just kidding man."

Now, if there's one thing I hate in this world more than Glen Beck and Nazis, it's when people make a statement that is obviously their truthful opinion, but then try to retract it by throwing out a "Just Kidding!" that will somehow make whatever hurtful thing they just said seem OK.

It shouldn't have gotten to me as much as it did.

I should have just told him to go fuck himself and continued enjoying my delectable snack wrap.

But I just sat there, feeling incredibly sad and self-conscious.

Needless to say, I got a haircut today.

And you know what?

My hair looks fucking great.

Ridiculous

2011-01-30T01:10:00.002-06:00

I'm currently listening to every song that has won the Oscar for "Best Original Song".

Why?

Because I'm ridiculous.

Speaking of ridiculous, I just watched the film Dogtooth, one of the Best Foreign Film nominees this year.

It's pretty ridiculous.

It's about this family that keeps their children from going into the outside world, and purposely teaches them wrong concepts, like that vagina's are called keyboards, and cats are the most evil creatures on Earth.

It's very interesting and very disturbing. It's on Netflix instant watch, so check it out, and make sure your parents don't walk in, or else you might have to answer awkward questions.

Loco

2011-01-28T17:45:00.002-06:00

I never write in this anymore.

My 2009 self would be very disappointed in me.

But life has been getting pretty loco recently.

I am now fully employed (by working two part-time jobs), rehearsing for my first sketch comedy show, and getting into full swing with my Second City classes.

I'm living the dream, except I never dreamt about the part where I'm tired ALL THE GODDAMN TIME.

Also, my aunt died of lung cancer last week.

I didn't get a chance to say goodbye to her before I moved away.

Well, I had plenty of chances, but I was too scared to see her while she was doing Chemo.

She didn't want to have a funeral. (I was sorta hoping for an excuse to go back home for a few days-I didn't have the money for a plane ticket anyway)

For my 11th birthday, she bought me a small cassette player so I could record my ideas for movies (I winded up using it to listen to Weird Al albums instead).

But in much happier news, I got tickets to see Arcade Fire and The National play here in Chicago in April (I made to sure to get floor tickets this time- I want to be so close to the stage that Win Butler's sweat hits me in the face).

Also, I just found out that The Flaming Lips will be playing in Chicago in July, and not just playing, but playing their masterpiece, The Soft Bulletin, in its entirety!

First, Weezer performing The Blue Album, and now Flaming Lips doing The Soft Bulletin, what's up with bands wanting to play my favorite albums from them? (Had I lived here a few months earlier, I could have seen The Pixies perform Doolittle, which would have been a delight and a half).

Now if only John Lennon and George Harrison were resurrected, reunited The Beatles, and performed Revolver live, preceded by Arcade Fire performing Funeral, and Radiohead performing their whole discography, then I would be pretty set for life.

Also, Cut Copy's new album, Zonoscope, is pretty great, so yay!

Top 10 Films of 2010

2011-01-22T23:20:00.014-06:00

It's currently 10 degrees in Chicago, so what better way to distract myself from a wintery death than making my always anticipated Top Ten Films of the Year list!

10. Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World

Bryan Lee O'Malley's fantastic comic comes to dazzling life in Edgar Wright's balls to the wall film that's a visual wet dream for indie music fans, video game nerds, and people who just think Michael Cera is adorable.

9. Greenberg

Ben Stiller gives one of the year's more underrated performances as a sad bastard who house sits for his brother while going through an existential crisis. Oh, and in case you were wondering: This film made 4 million at the box office, Little Fockers has made 135 million, so that's what's up.

8. Inception

What happens when you give the guy who made Memento a huge budget and infinite resources to make his vision come to life? This movie...that's what happens. Although I'm still not dancing in the "Christopher Nolan is the greatest filmmaker alive" party, I still agree that he is operating on a level unseen since Spielberg in his heyday. He's a director who can make huge, entertaining blockbuster films while still maintaining a high level of artistic integrity, and proves that you can make intelligent, thought-provoking films and still make a poop ton of money.

7. True Grit

Jeff Bridges' baddassery permeates off the screen and bitch slaps you in the Coen Bros. latest great film in a long line of pretty great films.

6. The Kids Are All Right

Annette Bening and Julianne Moore play two of the coolest gay mommies ever in a superbly acted and affectionately written film that shows how family is still family, no matter what the shape or size.

5. Exit Through The Gift Shop

The only documentary to make it on the list blurs the line between standard docs and well crafted fiction, while also giving a fascinating look into the world of street art, the artists themselves, and what makes someone a true "artist".

4. The Social Network

The probable Best Picture winner has every department hitting on all cylinders. The ensemble deliver brutally honest performances (Jesse Eisenberg is getting all the love, but Andrew Garfield and Justin Timberlake deserve some accolades as well), David Fincher does what he usually does (which is being an awesome director) and writer Aaron Sorkin somehow turns the incredibly boring idea of a movie about Facebook into Shakespearean-level drama.

3. Blue Valentine

Colin Firth is great in The King's Speech and all that, but the Best Actor Oscar needs to go to Ryan Gosling for his performance in this devastating film about the tragedy and heartbreak that relationships can bring to all those involved. It's a lot like Eternal Sunshine, but less quirky memory erasing and more soul crushing sadness.

2. Black Swan

This movie really has no business being as good as it is. A ballerina is perfect for the role of the goody two-shoes white swan in a production of "Swan Lake", but struggles to become the black swan because but she's just not "evil" enough to pull it off, so she starts to become more of a badass and slowly turns into the black swan (Get it! Her life is reflecting the ballet!) Yeah, it seems pretty stupid on paper, but put it in the brilliant hands of Darren Aronofsky and Natalie Portman and it becomes a surreal psychological masterpiece that explores the dark depths of the human mind and the disturbing places people go in order to achieve perfection.

1. Toy Story 3

Pixar has taken the top spot on my list 2 out of the last 3 years, so apparently I dig their work. Maybe because only the genius storytellers at Pixar can make a cute film about toys and turn it into a deeply touching meditation on the human condition, and the struggle to come to terms with the passage of time and the inevitability of our own demise.

The Golden Globes: Like The Oscars, Except No One Takes It Seriously

2011-01-17T22:51:00.009-06:00

Some notes on last night's Golden Globes, because that's what's really important right now:

-I loved watching celebrities becoming visibly hurt from Ricky Gervais' constant barrage of brutally honest jokes. It was like watching the overly sensitive kid in school getting made fun of by a very funny bully. Also, I wonder how far off the script Gervais went? I find it hard to believe that NBC approved his closing line of, "And thank you God for making me an Atheist."

-If I ever make a film about Jesus Christ or George Harrison in the late-period Beatles, I know who my guy is:

-They really need to change the "Best Animated Film" category to "Whatever Film Pixar Makes and 3 Other Movies That Have Absolutely No Shot At Beating Pixar".

-Robert De Niro is kind of a weirdo.

-I think the writing is on the wall as far as who is getting the major awards at the Oscars, but let's hope that Golden Globe for Best Song gets Burlesque a late award-season push.

This is off topic, but as I mentioned in my last post, I've been piling through Bowie's discography, and it's made me ponder a serious question:

Is there a song that's better than "Heroes"?

I THINK NOT!

Bowie To Bowie

2011-01-15T02:55:00.002-06:00

I'm busy going through David Bowie's discography.

I just finished Station to Station, which is a pretty awesome record, bonus points to Bowie for making a classic despite his heavy drug use at the time.

That's the difference between supremely talented people and regular people.

Supremely talented people can take in every sort of drug at one time and come out the other end making Sgt. Pepper.

Normal people take drugs and they just become Charlie Sheen.

Up next is Bowie's famed "Berlin Trilogy" which is apparently his greatest accomplishment besides his epic bulge in Labyrinth.

Can't Stop The Wing Stop

2011-01-12T02:32:00.002-06:00

I'm writing this blog while standing up.

I want to say it's because I'm more creative on my feet, but it's really because I can't afford furniture.

Approaching my 3 month anniversary of Operation: Live in Chicago, and I'm happy to report good things.

Besides being safely employed and rehearsing for a web series shoot next week (by the way, my character description is written as: Scrawny momma's boy, so the casting people absolutely nailed that one) I just got cast in my first sketch comedy show.

It's not a huge deal, but it's my first sketch show, so it's kind of a huge deal.

But I saved the best news for last.

I like to consider myself a buffalo wing connoisseur, an expert in the subject of sauce covered chicken parts if you will.

My vote for best buffalo wings (granted, I haven't tried EVERY buffalo wing joint in the world, but I'm working on it) has to go to a small southern restaurant chain called Wing Stop.

The sauce is impeccable, the texture is just right, and the fries that come with the wings are pretty bitching too.

When I moved away from Louisiana, I had to say goodbye to my parents, my friends, and perhaps most heartbreakingly, my favorite buffalo wings in the whole wide world.

The last few weeks I've been dying for some wings, but I couldn't eat any that didn't come from Wing Stop (there's a Buffalo Wild Wings right by my house...but who cares).

Like trying to get back into the dating scene after a rough break-up, finding new wings to replace the ones I loved so dearly has been a awkward process.

I've tried different wings, but they're just not the same.

Everyday I look out my window, desperately hoping that Wing Stop will suddenly appear across the street.

I constantly check my phone to see if maybe Wing Stop has called me.

When I have too much to drink, I text Wing Stop inappropriate things.

It's been hard trying to move on.

But then today happened.

After rehearsal, while walking in the bitterly cold, snow-covered Chicago streets, what do my eyes see?

Why, I can't believe it, but I see a goddamned Wing Stop, shining in the distance like a beacon of light waiting to warm my soul and my tummy.

I immediately ran across the street, ignoring the bright red "Don't Walk" sign, ignoring the cars speeding towards me, ignoring everything, because I was about to be reunited with my best friend.

We passionately embraced, and by passionately embrace, I mean I ate the shit out of 10 wings and some fries, with a smile on my face the whole time.

I had just eaten, so I certainly had no room for 10 wings and a plate of fries, but as I learned today, unadulterated happiness expands your stomach exponentially.

I went home much fatter, but also much happier, and that's really what counts.

What Did I Learn Today?

Some relationships are meant to last forever.

Scenes From An Apartment

2011-01-09T23:12:00.003-06:00

I found out today, that my apartment was built in 1895.

I was wondering why the walls taste like lead when I lick them.

When you share one bathroom with another person, you start to develop a strange psychic connection with the person.

For example, whenever you have to poop REALLY REALLY bad, that's the moment when the other person decides to take the longest shower of their life.

Say It Ain't So

2011-01-08T03:46:00.003-06:00

I'm a lucky man sometimes.

When I woke up this morning, slightly sick and wanting to rip my viciously sore throat out, I didn't think I would end the day watching one of the greatest albums of all time played live in its entirety.

But thanks to friends of friends of friends, I got my hands on a free ticket (VIP tickets no less!) to see Weezer perform "The Blue Album".

I thought it was too good to be true. I thought they would trick me and just play "Beverly Hills" on a two hour loop.

But they didn't. They played their masterpiece from beginning to end.

8th Grade Sean would have been so stoked.

Satisfaction

2011-01-05T18:48:00.002-06:00

I've been on a non-blog writing kick lately.

So I'm just gonna share another sketch I wrote.

The last one was pretty dialogue heavy so I wanted to write one that had very little talking in it.

It's called "Satisfaction".

Check it out!

Satisfaction

The Movie Game

2011-01-04T02:03:00.002-06:00

Here's the first draft of a sketch I just wrote.

It's called "The Movie Game".

Boosh:

The Movie Game

I Listened To Katy Perry...And I Liked It

2011-01-03T01:23:00.004-06:00

My relationship with the Katy Perry song "Firework" has been a rocky one to say the least.

The first 1,000 times I heard it, I hated the shit out of it.

Her grating voice combined with the ridiculously glossy electro sound would make my skin crawl and force me to loose all control of my bodily functions.

The next 1,000 times I heard it, I just became numb to it.

It's like once you live in the toughest ghetto after awhile, the sounds of gun shots and screaming just become white noise in the background.

But I've learned that Mrs. Katy Perry doesn't give up so easily.

Her songs will just keep on dominating popular culture, and you will be forced to either embrace it, or kill yourself.

After about the 2,955th time I heard "Firework", it finally broke through to me, and I allowed the Perry wave to sweep me away from the beach of music snobbery and into the ocean of awesomely bad pop songs.

I can name every Pixies song in their catalog, and I could easily write a 30 page paper about how Radiohead's OK Computer is the most important piece of music of the 20th century, but goddammit, sometimes you have to take a break from "Karma Police" and just rock out to "Teenage Dream"

By the way, what is up with that "Firework" video?

No Small Roles Just Small People

2011-01-01T21:40:00.003-06:00

I just read the script for upcoming web series gig.

My character pisses himself in one scene, and then breaks down and cries in another.

So this really won't be that much of a stretch for me.

Oh, and my character has a lisp.

I hope this is only the first in a long line of psychologically unstable characters with a speech impediment that I get to play in my career.

One More Year Till The Apocolypse

2010-12-31T19:31:00.003-06:00

As a new year dawns, and an old one fades into the distance, it's time to take a quick look back and come to terms with all the craziness that went down over the past 365 days.

I just re-read my "New Year's Resolutions" blog from December 31st, 2009 to see if I was able to accomplish any of my goals for 2010.

I was very impressed with the results:

1. Somehow complete this short film I'm working on. (check)

2. Continue writing this blog every day. (check...for the most part)

3. Move out. (check)

4. Finally quit Blockbuster. (check)

5. Start taking classes at Second City in Chicago. (check)

6. Be less cynical about everything. (we're all gonna die anyway)

7. Dance. (check?)

I slapped the bitch out of my 2010 goals, but will I do the same for 2011?

Not sure, since I haven't really thought of any concrete goals for 2011, but for tradition sake, here are my goals for the big 20 double 1:

1. Become a better improviser.

2. Become a better stand-up comic.

3. Become a better writer.

4. Become a better actor

5. Don't give up and move back home.

6. Visit home at least once.

7. Write that screenplay you keep telling yourself you're gonna write.

8. Dance.

Fuck you 2010!

Yay 2011!

Somewhere Down The Rabbit Hole

2010-12-30T14:50:00.003-06:00

My attempt to watch every 2010 movie that I want to see so I can make my always aniticipated "Top 10 Films of the Year" list is going along nicely.

Yesterday I watched the pretty terrific Rabbit Hole, which is about a married couple (played very well by Nicole Kidman and Aaron Eckhart) who struggle to move on after the death of their 4 year-old child (so it goes without saying that it reaches Holocaust-levels of sadness).

This giant lumber-jack man sitting behind me, looking like he spent his day cutting down some trees with his bare hands, had an emotional breakdown in the middle of the movie and started crying.

It was awkward.

8.5/10

Next up was Sofia Coppola's latest film, Somewhere, which was high on most anticipated of the year list.

It's not her best film. It's pretty goddamn slow, and takes it's time getting to the point (which was made in the first 10 minutes of the film anyway) but it still has those elements that make her work so special (i.e.: people looking out windows while a hip soundtrack plays in the background-works every time!)

I also loved how it felt like a true spiritual sequel to her classic Lost In Translation, as it beautifully captures the brutal loneliness we can feel, even when constantly surrounded by other people.

It's the Casino to Lost in Translation's Goodfellas (yeah I just made that comparison).

8.2/10

What Killed The Donosaurs?

2010-12-29T11:05:00.001-06:00

It's cold outside.

I think only Mr. Freeze can describe it best:

Severely Under Appreciated: A Ghost is Reborn

2010-12-27T20:21:00.007-06:00

I was browsing through my iTunes library today and discovered an old friend that I was sad to realize that I completely forgot about.

Its name is A Ghost is Born, Wilcothe band's follow up to their masterpiece Yankee Hotel Foxtrot, and it's a great album that no one seems to give a shit about anymore.

It may be a stretch to call it under appreciated since it was very acclaimed when it was first released, but time hasn't served the album well like it has for Foxtrot.

Read any "Best Albums of the 2000s" list and you will most likely find Foxtrot close to the top, if not AT the very top (and rightfully so), but what about Ghost? If you can find that album on ANY "Best of" list, then I will give you a bajillion dollars.

While Ghost is Born is in many ways just as brilliant and accomplished as its big brother, it will always be hidden in its large shadow.

It's the Eli to Foxtrot's Peyton Manning.

It's even harder to appreciate the album now since the band has devolved into making boring music for boring people, and there are a few signs in Ghost that foreshadows that very very boring road the band was about to head down, but there is still enough sonic experimentation left over from Foxtrot (thanks to returning producer, Jim O'Rourke), combined with Jeff Tweedy drinking that "genius pop songwriter juice" that I wish he could still get his hands on, that creates a subtle masterpiece.

It may not have a "Jesus Etc." or a "I'm the Man Who Loves You", but it does have "Hell is Chrome", which, despite the cheesy Randy Newman piano at the beginning, turns into something perhaps more beautifully haunting than anything on Foxtrot.

And why hasn't the track "Handshake Drugs" been used during a hip montage in a movie yet?

The album even has a solid, non-boring, "rock out" track with "I'm a Wheel". Fuck you Sky Blue Sky!

It may not be a flawless record (just listen to the song "Less Than You Think", where you can enjoy 12 minutes of glorious electrical humming), but A Ghost Is Born is definitely an essential record. One that deserves to be polished off and enjoyed like the gem in the rough that it is.

Threesome

2010-12-26T20:22:00.003-06:00

Today was an epic movie watching day.

I did a triple feature, which is ridiculous and I don't recommend ever doing it.

The last time I did a triple feature it was in High School when I saw Howl's Moving Castle, Hustle & Flow, and March of the Penguins back to back to back (aka: the greatest day of my life).

This time I started things off with some western action, Coen Bros style, with True Grit, which is a very fun and entertaining film, if a little anti-climactic (The Coen Brothers love the shit out of anti-climaxes by the way).

8.8/10

Next up, was some brutally realistic boxing movie action, with David O. Russell's The Fighter. Great performances form the whole ensemble (get that Oscar speech ready Christian Bale) but the story itself didn't click all the way for me. It did everything well, but it just didn't give me that "knockout punch" that I wanted (Get it? "Knockout punch"? Because it's a boxing movie!!!).

8.1/10

Finally, I winded things down with some dramatic British royalty action with Oscar contender The King's Speech. It may not be a flawless masterpiece (not every movie can be Yogi Bear) but I definitely see why it's getting attention. Great performances (get that Oscar speech ready Colin Firth), powerful story and subtle but inspired direction from Tom Hooper. "It's all good in the hood" as Queen Elizabeth loves to say.

8.6/10

Statistically Awesome

2010-12-25T22:48:00.002-06:00

I just discovered this nifty "Stat" section on the main page of my blog.

It not only tracks how many views my blog gets, but also tracks my most viewed posts, what countries the people who read my blog are from, as well as how people are linked to Blog-O-Fun.

So what's my most viewed post out of the 668 I have so far?

My Indie Hotties blog, with an unbelievable 1,133 views!

Word of advice: put the words "indie", "hotties", and "hipster" in your blog and you're guaranteed over 1,000 views.

2nd place goes to my post titled, Taking Grandma to Applebees with 326 views, which I learned through the awesome stat section was popular because about 200 people typed "taking grandma to applebees" on a search engine after that episode of Conan and my blog is one of the first things to pop up.

Also, my biggest audiences outside North America is from Germany with 129 views.

Thanks for the support Germany! And congrats on finally paying off your World War I reparations, only one more World War to go!

Baby Jesus Powers

2010-12-24T14:07:00.003-06:00

This will be my first Christmas away from my family.

A notion not as soul-crushingly depressing as I once thought.

Ever since my parents' divorce a few years ago, Christmas hasn't exactly been a very joyful time of year for me.

When I was little, my friends who had divorced parents would make me jealous by boasting about how they got to have TWO Christmases.

It sadly does not live up to the hype.

But it's still weird to think that this will be the first time I won't be sleeping at my Mom's house on Christmas Eve, waking up the next morning to open Santa's presents under the tree. (I hope Santa got my new address in time!)

I've been trying to distract myself by staying busy.

Working alot (I was number 1 in sales last week. WHAT!? I got a $10 gift card.)

Auditioning for stuff (I got a part in a web series. WHAT! It's an unpaid gig.)

I had the day off today so I thought I would have an epic movie hopping adventure by seeing True Grit, The Fighter, and The King's Speech.

Unfortunately I got lost in the concrete jungle that is downtown Chicago and didn't find the AMC theater until it was 30 minutes after the first movie started, and if I even miss 1 minute of a movie then I refuse to stay and watch the other 99% of it, so I walked back to the train dejected and defeated, until I stumbled upon a giant LEGO store, so God doesn't hate me after all.

Christmas used to be so magical and fun when I was a kid, a day when happiness and love engulfed my soul and made me happy to be alive.

Now it's just a yearly reminder of the death of my childhood.

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

We Band of Brothers

2010-12-21T20:11:00.004-06:00

In my quest to watch all 5 million films the wonderfully pretentious Criterion Collection has to offer, I ran into a huge road block.

The road block is Laurence Olivier's adaptation of Shakespeare's Henry V.

Nothing against Olivier or Billy Shakes, both of whom are about 1,000 times cooler than I can possibly imagine myself being, but you know how difficult it is to get into the mood to watch a two and a half hour film adaptation of a Shakespeare play?

About as difficult as actually reading a Shakespeare play.

I don't appreciate having to go on SparkNotes.com and do research so I can understand what is going on in the movie I'm watching.

I finally gathered up my courage and sat down to watch it.

It wasn't that bad, in fact, it was very solid.

7.5/10

Even though I found it very hard to get behind a king who decides to randomly invade France (for no apparent reason besides wanting to feed his own ego and twisted sense of rightful ownership).

In Shakespeare's time, a guy like that was considered a heroic protagonist, in our days, we would call that guy Hitler.

Pizza Dreams

2010-12-20T13:19:00.002-06:00

When life gives you lemons, you make lemonade.

Or in my case, when your mom gives you a $35 gift card to K-Mart, you buy some delicious Little Caesars Pizza, which you miraculously find in the one K-Mart in Chicago.

I went in expecting to buy some thermal underwear (which they didn't even have!?) and I came out with the best pizza $5 can buy.

I ate half of it on the train ride home, because I have no shame. I even ate it across the aisle from a homeless guy.

Did I offer him any?

NOPE.

I hope they have all the Little Caesars Pizza I can eat while I burn in Hell.

In completely different news, I kinda feel bad for the Uconn's women basketball team.

I know they don't need any pity, being the most dominate woman's team in the history of sports and all, but I can't help but feel bad about the lack of press they're getting for tying the NCAA record of 88 straight wins.

If it was a men's team on the verge of breaking that record, can you imagine the epic CRAZINESS that would be happening?

It would be the biggest sports story of the year.

As for a women's team, well, you can look forward to seeing them break the greatest winning streak in college sports history on ESPN...2.

Bumble Bee

2010-12-18T02:04:00.003-06:00

Went clubbing for the first time in Chicago.

I learned alot about old people dry humping and remixes to Black Eyed Peas songs that actually made me appreciate the original versions.

Speaking of Black Eyed Peas, this whole time, I thought there song "Imma Be" was called "Bumble Bee".

I never questioned it because...well I figured Black Eyed Peas were into bumble bees.

Waking Sleeping Sean

2010-12-17T02:50:00.003-06:00

My work place had the genius idea of scheduling me to work all morning shifts this week.

HA!

Do they even know me?

Don't they realize by now that I don't function like a normal human being before 1 PM?

Here's a breakdown of the week I've had:

MONDAY:
-Went to sleep at 6 AM

TUESDAY:
-Got up at 7:45 AM
-Went to work at 9 AM
-Got home at 4:30 PM
-Went immediately to sleep
-Woke up at 10 PM

WEDNESDAY:
-Didn't sleep
-Went to work at 9 AM
-Got home at 4:30 PM
-Went immediately to sleep
-Woke up at 11 PM
-Went back to sleep around 9 AM

TODAY:
-Got up at 2PM (That's more like it!)
-Still awake at 3 AM

TOMORROW:
-Have to be to work for 9 AM
-Goddammit

I honestly don't remember working the last few days.

It's just been a hazy dream of holiday retail.

Trailer of Life

2010-12-16T02:46:00.002-06:00

One of the greatest joys of watching Black Swan, besides the actual movie itself, was experiencing the surprise premiere of the trailer for Terrence Malick's long, long, long awaited, Tree Of Life.

I honestly forgot this movie still existed, since it seems like it's been in production since before Talkies were invented.

I have no idea what's going on, but whatever it is, I want in.

It's hard to tell whether it's a character-driven period piece, or a remake of The Fountain.

What?

2010-12-15T00:10:00.002-06:00

The Golden Globes (the slightly mentally challenged, but still loveable little brother of the Oscars) announced their nominations today.

The good news is we now live in a world where we can say "The Golden Globe-nominated film, Burlesque".

The other good news is that Johnny Depp can officially stop trying, and still expect to get AT LEAST two nominations a year.

And for those keeping track at home:

Number of Golden Globe noms for The Tourist, one of the most despised films of the year: 3

Number of Golden Globe noms for Toy Story 3, one of the most critically and financially successful films of all-time: 1

The Hollywood Foreign Press has spoken.

Enough Ice Cubes To Fill A Space Cruiser

2010-12-13T02:30:00.003-06:00

I experienced my first blizzard today.

Things got pretty crazy.

Luckily someone recorded the whole thing:

The Hungry Odyssey

2010-12-12T03:26:00.003-06:00

When you don't have a car during the winter in a big city, simple tasks like going to the grocery store suddenly becomes a scary, dangerous journey that would make even Odysseus say," You know what?...Fuck this shit, I'm staying inside."

Walking on treacherous, ice-covered sidewalks.

Waiting for the bus, while freezing rain pours down upon you.

Getting on the bus (20 minutes later) and being squished together with a bunch of smelly people that look like they want to hurt you.

Fighting dragons.

Getting to the grocery store and finding out they don't carry those delicious holiday themed Little Debbie Snack Cakes that are shaped like christmas trees, the only reason why you went on this terrible quest to the big grocery store to begin with, instead of just walking down the street to the smaller store.

GOD

DAMN

IT!

Anyway, it wasn't a complete waste of time.

At least this store is the only one I've found in the city that carries my favorite juice in a pouch beverage, Kool Aid Jammers, which are far superior than Capri Suns.

Something I'm sure all you 8 year-olds reading this would agree with.

The Old Man and the Rude Insult.

2010-12-11T01:11:00.002-06:00

Yesterday at work, I was scanning some items for an elderly gentleman.

He said, "You know, you look just like one of the other guys that work here, he has a big nose too."

Nicely done, old man.

Nicely done.

Auditioning for Failure

2010-12-10T01:04:00.002-06:00

I had my first taste of improv auditioning a few days ago, and within 48 hours after, had my first taste of improv rejection.

Auditioning for an improv show is pretty awkward, well, I guess doing anything while being severely judged by a group of strangers is awkward, but I felt like I gave it my best shot.

My downfall may have come when they asked us to sing.

If there is one fatal weakness that I have when it comes to improv, it's in the musical department.

I decided to sing the ABC's.

It did not go over so well.

I understand that rejection is part of the game, and I'm a newbie, so I'm not letting it bother me, besides the occasional moment where I wallow in self-hatred and question everything I do (Why the ABC's? WHY!!??).

Anyway, I just wish I could be a fly on the wall when the people are making the casting decisions.

When they talk about me, do they say, "Well, he was really good, but he's just not right for this part.", or are they saying, "He is terrible, and I want him to die."?

I'll just keep doing my thing.

Top 10 Albums of 2010

2010-12-08T22:27:00.012-06:00

Finally, what the world has been waiting for...my picks for the Top 10 Albums of the Year!

2010 was a very solid year for music, so picking just 10 out of the poop loads of great albums that were released over the past 12 months was very difficult.

There are a few shocking exclusions from the list, as well as some surprising inclusions, so buckle up because you're about to go on a crazy ride through my superior musical tastes!

10. The Wild Hunt- The Tallest Man on Earth

Singer/ songwriter, Kristian Matsson, does his best Bob Dylan impression, combines it with his best Daniel Johnston impression, and comes out the other end with a surprisingly original-sounding album full of quietly powerful folk songs.

9. Volume Two- She & Him

M. Ward and Zooey Deschanel; with their "awesome people" powers combined, create modern, adorably hip country songs that are like Chicken Soup for the Indie Music Lover's Soul.

8. Crazy For You- Best Coast

Best Coast's debut album wears its heart on its sleeve in the best possible way. Simple songs full of heartbreak and angst, coated with a sweet, surf rock shine. It's like reading a depressed 18 year-old girl's LiveJournal, if that depressed 18 year-old girl was an awesome musician.

7. Body Talk- Robyn

Pure pop music at the height of its form. Robyn may not have Lady Gaga-level super stardom (yet!) but after listening to this album that features song after song that pushes the genre to new, glorious levels, it makes you scratch your head and wonder why classics like "Dancing on My Own" and "Hang With Me" don't get as much radio play as "Bad Romance".

6. Sir Lucious Left Foot: The Son of Chico Dusty- Big Boi

I am so sorry Kanye. You are my brother from another mother and everything, but Big Boi has the best rap album of the year. It's an album so full of fun and effortless coolness, that even the most stringent rap-haters who listen to it can't help but get down like a clown named Charlie Brown.

5. The Suburbs- Arcade Fire

I'm gonna be honest, I am such an unapologetic Arcade Fire lover that any year they come out with anything, it will most likely make its way onto my Best of the Year list, even if they record an album that is just animal sex noises and howls of banshees (that would probably crack the top 3 actually), so even as badly as I want The Suburbs to rank even higher, I need to be objective and realize that the record is not perfect. The songs can be hit or miss, and the album is a few tracks too long, but there is enough great material on here that showcases the band at the height of its power. Highlights such as "Sprawl II", "We Used to Wait" and "Half Light II" show the band growing and reaching towards new musical directions while also ranking as some of the best songs in their impressive catalog.

4. Treats- Sleigh Bells

Sleigh Bells releases the most accomplished debut album of the year, as well as unleashing upon the indie music world the most refreshing and face-melting rock since The White Stripes came out with "Fell In Love With A Girl". Song after song relentlessly punches you in the face, culminating in this year's best musical one-two combo with "Rill Rill", where Sleigh Bells softens you up before absolutely destroying you with "Crown on the Ground". I mean all of that in a good way.

3. This Is Happening- LCD Soundsystem

LCD delivers the goods yet again by crafting epic, dance-rock grooves that first enter your ears, then your brain, making a permanent home somewhere in your cerebral cortex. Good luck getting "Dance Yrself Clean" out of your head any time soon in the next few decades.

2. Halcyon Digest- Deerhunter

Every song is a winner on Deerhunter's most inspired album to date. Just when you think you've heard the best track on there, the next one plays, and changes your opinion very fast. It's artful, indie rock at its finest.

1. Teen Dream- Beach House

I hate to pull the Merriweather Post Pavilion card, but Beach House's Teen Dream is their Merriweather Post Pavilion, as in they are able to take their unique sound and transform it into something that makes them more accessible, while never losing what makes them an original and fascinating band in the first place. Beach House takes beautiful dream pop to a new level (I use the term "dream pop" alot, but I honestly don't know what it means, but whatever it is, Beach House does it very well) and makes an album that somehow chills you the fuck out, while filling your soul with fiery passion and inspiration at the same time. Good stuff.

Top 10 Songs of 2010

2010-12-07T22:11:00.003-06:00

My "Best Music of 2010" feature continues with my picks for the top 10 songs of the year!

Enjoy.

10. "He Would Have Laughed"- Deerhunter

Picking the best song from Deerhunter's incredible Halcyon Digest is a tough task, but it's hard to deny the beauty and power of the album's closing track; a haunting tribute to singer Bradford Cox's good friend Jay Reatard, the famous indie rocker who passed away earlier this year.

9. "Silver Soul"- Beach House

Beach House's breakthrough album Teen Dream turns the group from a really weird band, to a really weird band that is awesome, and no other song showcases the bands' incredible artistic and creative leap better than this dream pop gem.

8. "All I Want"- LCD Soundsystem

The highlight of LCD's This is Happening (an album full of highlights) is James Murphy and company doing what they do best: creating energetic explosions of rock and dance beats that have the ability to make any day brighter.

7. "Power"- Kanye West

Kanye sounds pissed, and I love it. After his auto-tuned drenched Debbie Downer phase on 808s and Heartbreaks, this song was Kanye telling the world that he finally got his groove back. I think the world is now better because of it.

6. "Rill Rill"- Sleigh Bells

After the constant barrage of screeches and ear-splitting distortion that dominates Sleigh Bells debut album, Treats, this song comes out of nowhere, hitting you like a splash of cool water on the face. It's the perfect summer song: breezy, cool, and fun in the sun, yet it never loses the band's badass-ness, making it a great example of their ability to craft beautiful pop songs with a heavy metal edge.

5. "Lovesick"- Lindstrom & Christabelle

If this song doesn't make you stand up and shake your booty, then you're either an asshole, or your paralyzed from the neck down, in which case I apologize for being so insensitive.

4. "Round and Round"- Ariel Pink's Haunted Graffiti

The dance party continues with this funky, electro-pop masterpiece. This song may only be number 4 on this list, but if I was making my "Top 10 Best Band Names of 2010", Ariel Pink's Haunted Graffiti would surely be number 1.

3. "Fuck You"- Cee-Lo

Perhaps the best use of profanity in a catchy as hell song since Terrence and Phillip sang "Uncle Fucker". Cee-Lo's crazed musical genius is on full display here as he creates the break-up song to end all break-up songs by just getting straight to the point...fuck you, and fuck her too.

2. "Sprawl II (Mountains Beyond Mountains)"- Arcade Fire

The Suburbs is an album full of songs where Arcade Fire take chances and go into different, unexplored musical directions. Some of the songs work, and others not as well, but the one song where they absolutely nail it (and come the closest to reaching the glorious heights of their best work) is "Sprawl II". Leaning on a more electronic sound, and Regine's unique singing voice, this song is very un-Arcade Fire-like, yet still maintains the epic, inspiring power that makes them one of the best bands of their generation.

1. "Dancing on My Own"- Robyn

Never has a song made want to dance and cry at the same time. Robyn (another person on my list of "Why are they not really famous by now?" list) does a masterful job of injecting a badass dance-pop surface with an achingly heartbreaking soul. Great pop songs come and go, but what makes "Dancing on My Own" one of the greatest is its ability to make us not only get on our feet and move, but also making us become more aware of the human condition.

That;s it for my favorite songs of the year.

Tomorrow is the grand finale with my Top 10 Albums of the Year!

Top 25 Songs of 2010 Part. 1

2010-12-06T22:15:00.004-06:00

The year is coming to a close, which means it's time for reflection, Christmas presents...and Best of the Year lists!

Today begins my 3 part "Best Music of 2010" feature.

I'll start the shenanigans off by counting down my Top 25 Songs of the Year (25-11 today, 10-1 tomorrow) and will end it all by unveiling my Top 10 Albums of 2010 this Wednesday.

Yay for my subjective opinions!

So let's get this party started.

Top 25 Songs of 2010:

25. "Giving Up On Love"- Slow Club

This jangly pop gem is a pure sugar rush in music form.

24. "Half Light II (No Celebration)"- Arcade Fire

No one does epic, pulse-pounding anthems as well as Arcade Fire, and this track is perhaps the best example on their masterful album, The Suburbs. By the way, every time this song plays, I think it's called "Half Life II", which makes me wish that Arcade Fire would make a Half Life concept album, where every song had something to do with the very awesome video game (a nerd can dream!).

23. "Dance Yrself Clean"- LCD Soundsystem

Spoiler alert: LCD Soundsystem dominates this countdown by having the most songs on it (3). His first entry on my list is also the first song on his fantastic This is Happening LP, and what better way to start off an album by having a song that literally makes you do what its title suggests.

22. "Lets Get Lost"- Bats For Lashes & Beck

Yeah, I totally have a song from the Twilight: Eclipse soundtrack on my list, wanna fight about it? I don't know what kind of Indie Music Devil this film series has sold it's soul to, but they somehow are able to get awesome bands (even goddamn Thom Yorke!?) to make solid tracks for these not solid movies.

21. "Lightsick"- Zola Jesus.

The brooding continues on the list with a beautiful song that I imagine hipster vampires love to listen to as they suck the blood of innocents.

20. "Home"- LCD Soundsystem

LCD opens their album with a classic, and then have the audacity to close their album with another classic. "Home" is another great example of how LCD can make a 7+ minute long song seem like it goes by way too fast.

19. "Yellow Wings"- Keepaway

The after-shocks of Animal Collective's masterpiece Merriweather Post Pavilion will probably reverberate in the music world for years to come, and this song demonstrates one of the early examples of how AC's landmark album has influenced up and coming bands in a very good way.

18. "Boyfriend"- Best Coast

This bittersweet song doesn't just speak for girls with boy troubles, but it speaks for everyone who has ever gone through the desperate yearning and heartbreak of having feelings for others who don't reciprocate those feelings .

17. "All Around and Away We Go"- Twin Sister

This pleasant foot tapper is like a classic disco sandwich wrapped in sweet modern day indie bread. Mmmm...disco sandwich.

16. "Hand Me Down Your Love"- Hot Chip

It's as if George Harrison was resurrected, took alot of speed, and just did his thing.
Mmmm...resurrected George Harrison.

15. "Bang Pop"- Free Energy

If someone came up to me and said, "Hey, I want you to describe the word "Fun" by using any song from the year 2010." I would say, "What a weird person you are.", then I would play him this song.

14. "Shutterbug"- Big Boi

This was a great year for rap music, and one of the highlights was this impeccably produced jam by Big Boi, the guy from Outkast who didn't do "Hey Ya".

13. "Terrible Love"- The National

Earlier I mentioned Arcade Fire was the best at making pule-pounding anthems, well this song makes a strong case for The National being a close second in that department.

12. "Tightrope"- Janelle Monae

Janelle Monae is a superstar waiting to happen. She's got a crazy-ass haircut, some crazy-ass dance moves, and this crazy-ass song that puts soul, rap, and pop music into a blender and hits the "Awesome" button.

11. "Baby Birch"- Joanna Newsom

What would happen if everyone's favorite soft-spoken, harp-playing beauty decided to rock the fuck out? I don't think anyone would call any Joanna Newsom song "heavy", but compared to her past work, this one has to be by far her heaviest. It's the "Helter Skelter" of the Joanna Newsom catalog. It does take its time getting there (like most Newsom songs) but when it does get there, around the 6 minute mark, the overwhelming power added to the song's ethereal core never ceases to take my breath away.

Well that's it for now.

Stay tuned for my Top 10 Songs of the Year tomorrow!

Winter Wonderland...of Constant Fear

2010-12-05T22:48:00.003-06:00

It's snowing.

This is my first time living in a city that is like a snow globe that has been shaken by a small child, so I'm dealing with it the way I deal with most drastic changes in my life...by hating it.

Walking up and down stairs (a task I once found to be relatively easy) is now a constant struggle for survival.

Each step could lead to an icy death...or at least slipping and falling on your ass.

Just walking down the street has now turned into a huge ordeal.

This video is actual footage of me walking to work everyday:

I'm trying not to be so negative about things, so I wanna put a positive spin on the snow.

At least now I can slide on my belly, penguin-style, to get from place to place.

So there's that.

Nice Beaver Pt. 2

2010-12-05T03:43:00.002-06:00

I'm not sure of what to make of the film, The Beaver starring the delightfully insane Mel Gibson as a guy who finds solace in a hand puppet...that's a beaver.

It seems like it's trying to be a heartwarming drama about a broken man trying to reconnect with his family...but meanwhile he's talking through a puppet...that's a beaver.

Apparently the screenplay was one of the hottest in Hollywood, and this thing is dripping in Oscar buzz, but as I watch the trailer, I'm having trouble figuring out if I should take it seriously or not.

Don't get me wrong, I love the idea, and ever since I made a short film back in High School about a girl who finds friendship in a sock, I appreciate any film that deals with people who talk to inanimate objects.

I'm cautiously optimistic.

Harry Potter and the Hot Lesbian Sex

2010-12-04T02:28:00.004-06:00

It was movie day in the life of Sean.

First, I watched the latest Harry Potter film and was pleasantly entertained.

Can you think of any other film series that is over 6 films long and actually gets BETTER with each one?

(Answer: The Land Before Time series)

8.2/ 10 (That rating is for Harry Potter, not The Land Before Time series, though the first one gets a solid 9.0)

Harry Potter is great and all, but that was completely erased from my mind once I saw the 2nd film of the day, Darren Aronofsky's latest opus, Black Swan.

Holy shit, what a movie.

On paper, a movie about a New York City ballerina getting the lead role in the ballet, Swan Lake, seems pretty lame-o, but by combining one of the greatest filmmakers of this generation (or really any other generation), a performance by Natalie Portman that is above and beyond her usually awesome efforts, along with a very creeptastic screenplay, and you get one of the best films of the year.

Aronofsky turns what could have easily been a silly, melodramatic movie, into a darkly powerful portrait of a woman whose quest for perfection results in her complete psychological breakdown.

Oh yeah, and Natalie Portman and Mila Kunis have a very hot sex scene together. So yeah.

But even without that, it's still an awesome movie.

Not only is it the most disturbing and haunting ballerina movie you will ever see, but it also may be the only time you can see Natalie Portman masturbate and make out with Mila Kunis in the same film. (She may have done both of these in Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium, but I never watched it, so I can't say otherwise.)

9.4/ 10

16 Bits of Lovin'

2010-12-03T01:40:00.002-06:00

I made the best $18 purchase of my life today by getting the Ultimate Sega Genesis Collection for the PS3.

It features 48 games, including all of the original Sonic The Hedgehog games (even Sonic Spinball!) and most importantly, all 3 Streets of Rage games.

Operation: Relive Childhood has commenced.

It also has some other Sega Genesis gems such as both Ecco The Dolphin games (the Super Mario Bros. of dolphin games) and the cult classic Comix Zone, a game I distinctly remember loving but was infuriated because I had to return it to the video store before I could beat it.

15 years later, I will have my victory, Comix Zone...I will have my victory.

By the way, after re-playing Sonic Spinball, I realized I hate the shit out of it.

Hand Me The Magnum Please

2010-12-02T00:12:00.003-06:00

I went to the CVS pharmacy around the corner tonight and noticed something odd.

As I was walking through the store, I saw that the condoms were locked in a big, clear case.

Which means, if you wanted to buy condoms, you would have to get the attention of a CVS employee (who, in my past experiences, is usually either an elderly lady or a creepy Spanish guy) and ask them to please open the Condom Cage for you.

I don't know who this is more uncomfortable for, the employee, or the customer.

Does Chicago have that bad of a condom theft problem, that they have to lock them all in a cage, forcing people into this awkwardness?

I would rather walk the 5 extra blocks to the Walgreens just to avoid this.

Better yet, I would rather just risk it and go unprotected than letting a stranger into my personal sexual business.

I don't know why I fear others knowing I have sex. I should flaunt it.

Anytime I buy condoms I should jump up on the check-out counter and yell, "Guess what?! Sean is getting some tonight! Haters to the left!"

Well, in non-sexually embarrassing news, I had my first paid acting gig today.

$50 for 5 hours of doing background audio for a film.

I have no idea what the movie is. They said it was a coming of age film that was like John Hughes meets Wes Anderson, so it's probably hardcore porn.

There Will Be Chocolate

2010-12-01T03:50:00.003-06:00

I read the other day that the oil in the modern day classic There Will Be Blood was actually chocolate.

This fact makes me now enjoy the film on a much, much higher level.

The first snow flurries fell in Chicago today, signaling the beginning of my long, wintery death.

I went back and re-read some of my 600+ blog posts.

Two things I noticed:

1. I write some variation of the sentence, "I'm not gay, but..." way too many times for someone who is not gay.

2. I make alot of lists.

I will try to not to do these two things excessively in the future.

Now having said that, stay tuned for next week when I begin to unveil my BEST MUSIC OF 2010 lists!

First will be my TOP 25 SONGS OF 2010, followed by my always spot-on and objectively correct TOP 10 ALBUMS OF THE YEAR list.

It's going to be FABULOUS, and I don't care if using the word "fabulous" makes me sound gay.

Me Think Funny

2010-11-30T01:07:00.002-06:00

I woke up in the middle of the night with a thought in my mind that I thought was hilarious.

I could not stop laughing like a crazy person in the darkness.

Quickly, I found a piece of paper and a pen to write down this piece of comic genius before it left me.

I then went back to sleep and forgot about it.

The next day I woke up and read what I had wrote down:

"Someone builds a time machine, goes back in time, and tries to make ice cream and gummi bears the traditional Thanksgiving meal."

Hmmm, probably the best thing I've ever thought of, and I've thought of some pretty awesome things.

Oh, I just landed my first acting gig in Chicago.

I may have only gotten the part because I was the only person to show up to the audition, but it still counts!

Nice Beaver

2010-11-29T00:01:00.002-06:00

It is a sad day ladies and gentlemen.

One of the greatest comedic actors of all-time, Leslie Nielsen, passed away today at the age of 84.

I remember watching his iconic performances in Airplane! and the Naked Gun films at a very young age, thinking, "I want to be funny like that guy one day!", and then my father would scream at me in a drunken rage, "YOU'LL NEVER BE FUNNY! YOU'RE A GODDAMN LOSER!"

Oh childhood.

Anyway, I want to pay tribute to Leslie in the best way I know how: letting YouTube do all the work.

The Citizen Kane of Blogs

2010-11-28T02:22:00.007-06:00

I love when people say something is the "Citizen Kane of" whatever that something may be.

When a person says something like, "The Cat in the Hat is the Citizen Kane of children's books, are they saying that it's the greatest children's book ever, or are they saying The Cat in the Hat reminds them of the tragic rise and fall of a greedy newspaper tycoon?

To make it clear, I have provided some of my own examples of things that are the Citizen Kane of their respective genres.:

The Citizen Kane of Ernest movies:

Ernest Goes To Jail

Ernest P Worrell did some wacky shit in his life. He accomplished everything from saving Christmas, to being scared stupid, all the way to slamming dunks with Kareem Abdul Jubar, but no achievements were as poignant or profound as when Ernest is mistaken for a Death Row inmate and finds himself behind bars, showing the dark, seedy corruption of America's modern day prison system by getting into hilarious and family-friendly hi-jinks.

Oh yeah, and he escapes using his electromagnetic powers, which I'm not sure how he got in the first place. Maybe he got it when he went to camp.

The Citizen Kane of Citizen Kane Parodies:

The Simpsons episode, "Rosebud".

This classic episode has Mr. Burns searching for his long lost teddy bear, Boo. It's The Simpsons at the height of its powers and one of the best parodies of any movie ever.

The Citizen Kane of Obscure 1980s sitcoms starring Paul Reiser:

My Two Dads

Do you remember this show? Because you shouldn't.

I Want Some More Please

2010-11-26T23:43:00.003-06:00

After watching the great filmmaker David Lean's classic adaptations of the Charles Dicken's novels Great Expectations and Oliver Twist, I realized something:

Charles Dickens bores the shit out of me.

Both films were well crafted and featured some outstanding black & white cinematography, but do I really care about impoverished British people in the 19th century?

Answer: Absolutely not.

And while I'm on the subject, I have to say that if I were to make a top 10 list of my least favorite time periods depicted in film (Great Idea!), I'm pretty sure Victorian Era England would be close to the top.

The environment is grimy, everyone is sweaty, and everything is just overall disgusting.

Any time I see a film set in 19th century England, I have to take a long, hot shower afterwards.

Only one movie adaptation of a Charles Dickens novel needs to exist, and it's called A Muppet Christmas Carol, which I dare say, is the greatest of the great Muppet movies:

Thanks For Giving

2010-11-26T01:45:00.002-06:00

My first Chicago Thanksgiving consisted of eating turkey sandwiches, delicious rolls, and those dinosaur-shaped chicken nuggets that I haven't had since the 2nd grade.

There's something about the shape of a T-Rex that turns chicken meat from mediocre to MAGICAL!

I have alot to be thankful for.

I'm healthy, I have all my teeth, and I'm getting by (so barely) in the big city of Chicago.

But really, what I'm most thankful for (and really what the world is most thankful for) is Mr. Nicolas Cage:

Kitty Kats

2010-11-25T02:24:00.002-06:00

*NOTE: This post involves a substance that may or may not be illegal, so to avoid prosecution or the judgment from family and friends who may read this one day, I'm going to change the name of the substance to "Kitty Kats".*

So you know what's the best part of having a band sleep over at your apartment?

The fact that they sometimes accidentally leave behind a big bag of Kitty Kats.

This lucky occasion happened to my roomie and I.

She had the brilliant idea of taking that bag of Kitty Kats and making Kitty Kat butter.

As in melting the Kitty Kats into some butter, which we can then use like normal butter except now we get super high, and by high I mean we were not doing anything illegal.

Now, I'm not a huge Kitty Kat person. I dabbled with it a few times in High School and then pretty much stopped in college, but this was my first time eating Kitty Kats, so I was very excited.

I decided to use the Kitty Kat butter on some toast.

It was delicious, but it tastes exactly like you think it would.

Kitty Kats mixed with butter.

Anyway, I don't think I ate enough Kitty Kats, because all I got was a little lightheaded and winded up taking a 30 minute bath while listening to Sigur Ros.

So that's something.

Sweet Dreams

2010-11-24T04:21:00.002-06:00

I had a dream last night that I looked at my work schedule for next week and saw that I they scheduled me for 30 hours.

I was SO excited in my dream.

Then I woke up, and a heavy sadness descended on me.

One reason I was sad was because I really need 30 hours a week to barely survive in this city, and I'm not getting close to that.

The second reason I was sad was because I actually happily dreamt about working alot, and was severely disappointed when I realized it was not reality.

What have I become?

Necessary

2010-11-22T20:47:00.002-06:00

Finally, a sequel that deserves to exist:

What Did I Learn Today?

Someone needs to give Tim Meadows a second chance.

My Beautiful Dark Twisted Album Review

2010-11-22T02:47:00.003-06:00

I so called it.

Kanye West's My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy is indeed the album of the year.

Rolling Stone magazine gives it 5 out of 5 stars.

Spin gives it 9 out of 10 stars.

The homeless man down the street gives it 5 out of 5 inaudible grunts.

And most importantly, (in my mind) is Pitchfork giving the album the coveted 10.0. A rating so rare that it's been nearly a decade since an album has received the honor.

But you know what the sad part is?

I don't think it's the album of the year, or even Kanye's best album (or his 2nd best album and maybe even 3rd best album)

It definitely features some his greatest songs, and I appreciate the darkly grandiose sound that permeates throughout the record (the opening of "Runaway" may be the creepiest 35 seconds in rap music history) but as a whole, it doesn't hit my pleasure centers as much as College Dropout or Late Registration did, and it also doesn't have the effortless coolness of Graduation.

Not to say that I'm calling this album a throwaway, because it's oh so not.

It's fun to hear Kanye blur the lines between straight up rap music and great pop music, something I've always thought he did beautifully, but on Twisted Fantasy, he blurs the lines to the point where it really doesn't belong in ANY music genre. It belongs in the "Kanye's Crazy As Funk Mind" genre.

Kanye is a creative genius who never holds back on even his weirdest impulses, which makes all of his albums very enjoyable (even the flawed 808s and Heartbreak) but this album never captures my heart and soul as much as I want it to. I understand why people would consider it a masterpiece, but I would be lying if I said I agreed.

Maybe it will grow on me, or maybe I just don't know what I'm talking about.

If this winds up being the album Kanye's career is defined by, then I won't mind too much. I just hope the success doesn't go to Kanye's head:

Three's Company

2010-11-21T00:28:00.004-06:00

I had the great pleasure of cuddling up in my warm blankets last night and watch the film, The Human Centipede (First Sequence).

This controversial cult horror film follows a deranged doctor who traps two American women and a Japanese man traveling through Europe and surgically turns them into a literal human centipede with a shared digestive system.

As in he attaches their mouths to each others' asses.

As in they have to shit into each others' mouths.

As in this is a film that the whole family can enjoy.

While I was watching this movie, many thoughts passed through my head:

1. Never go to Europe.

2. Why did I not think of this for my Halloween costume this year?

3. Now I know what to get Mom for Christmas.

Speaking of great Christmas gifts, you can buy your loved one this Human Centipede necklace for just $20:

And for you pet owners, here's a Human Centipede chew toy that is sure to make your dog feel very uncomfortable:

The Kids Are All In A Great Film

2010-11-19T23:32:00.002-06:00

I watched Lisa Cholodenko's acclaimed film The Kids Are All Right last night and enjoyed it mucho.

Superb writing, fantastic acting from the whole ensemble, and that hot Annette Bening/ Julianne Moore lesbian sex scene that I've been waiting for my whole life.

9.0/ 10

Speaking of awesome things, here's a music video I made for Arcade Fire's song "The Suburbs".

Just ignore the fact that Spike Jonze directed it and I had absolutely no involvement in the making of it:

King of Comedy

2010-11-19T02:07:00.002-06:00

I took a bus to downtown Chicago for an open mic tonight.

Tonight was going to be my night.

I was prepared, my jokes were in top form, and I was more confident than I've been in my whole life.

However, when I arrived there, I noticed something odd.

None of the comedians that are usually there were present, and the sign-up sheet for the open mic was nowhere to be found.

I looked around until I saw the following sign:

ANNUAL CHICAGO AFRICAN AMERICAN AND LATINO LEADERSHIP DINNER

I thought it was pretty weird that I was the only white guy there, and the only one not wearing a nice suit.

Apparently I was not notified that the open mic night was canceled.

So I calmly took some bread rolls and quickly left the building.

What Did I Learn Today?

My comedy career is coming along just fine.

Baby Steps

2010-11-18T00:59:00.003-06:00

I just signed up for my first theater audition.

Chances are I'm going to fail the shit out of it, but it's still a big first step.

Speaking of big first steps, I just made spaghetti for the first time in my life. I heated the pasta and poured the pre-made sauce out of the can ALL BY MYSELF.

Even better, I just mastered the art of scrambling eggs.

Mamma Bear would be so proud of her little cub learning how to feed himself.

Between a Rock and a James Franco

2010-11-16T23:32:00.003-06:00

I treated myself today by taking money I should be saving and instead spent it on a $9 movie ticket. (That's the matinee price here in Chicago, which is hilariously sad).

The money was well spent though, as I performed the famous "Sean sneaks into two movies after paying for just one of them" trick.

The first film was the documentary Waiting for Superman which is about America's failing education system (Wait! The schools in this country have serious problems? What an absurd notion!)

Anyway, it was a very solid doc with a surprisingly powerful ending, but I still liked this movie more when it was called the 4th season of The Wire.

8.0/ 10

The 2nd film was the latest Danny Boyle flick 127 Hours, in which James Franco plays the climber Aron Ralston, who got his arm trapped under a boulder and preceded to cut it off with a dull knife in order to escape after 5 days of being stuck.

The whole time I was thinking about how much it would suck to be the child of this guy.

You couldn't complain about ANYTHING without feeling tremendous guilt.

Child: Dad! I fell down and scraped my knee really bad! It stings alot!

Aron: Ohhh nnnooooo. Your scraped knee stings a little? Well at least it's not as bad as that time you got your arm trapped underneath a big rock and had to cut it off with a dull knife after 5 days of starving to death. Remember that? Oh wait...that was me. Man up, pussy.

Child: But Dad, I'm three.

Aron: MAN UP!!!

Anyway, it was a really good film. I'm not gonna put it on the same level as some of Boyle's best work, but even a lesser Boyle film is still pretty awesome. Oh, and watching the scene where Aron cuts his arm off has to be the most painful experience I have ever had while watching a movie.

8.2/ 10

Bills Bills Bills

2010-11-16T02:29:00.003-06:00

As I begin paying bills for the first time, I'm realizing how evil the world is.

I got my electric bill in the mail today and it was quite an experience.

It broke down like this:

Electric Supply Charge: $55.33 (Ok cool, not bad at all split between 3 people)

Transmission Services Charge: $5.28 (I'm not sure what that means, but $5.28 is cheap)

Customer Charge: $7.48 (As opposed to all these other charges?)

Distribution Facilities Charge: $17.81 (Wait, what is that?)

Franchise Cost: $3.83 (Please stop.)

State Tax: $4.54 (Goddammit.)

Magical Potions & Wizardry Fees: $21.72 (Ok, I'm pretty sure that is not real.)

Thespian

2010-11-15T02:56:00.003-06:00

Watched the Paul Morrisey film Flesh for Frankenstein, or also called Andy Warhol's Frankenstein. Either way it was pretty stupid.

6.0/10

I was putting together my acting resume tonight and noticed it was lacking in the...well, acting department.

The resume is essentially my name, address, phone number, and a drawing of a stick figure (me) in front of a square (a camera) with a caption beneath it saying "Let me be in your movie pleaze!!!"

Acting gigs here I come.

Dance Yourself Clean-Car Seat Edition

2010-11-14T01:52:00.004-06:00

Sean: Help me Internet! I'm tired and sleepy, and I don't feel like coming up with anything substantial for my blog post tonight! What do I do?

Internet: Don't worry Sean, here's a clip of a cute baby dancing to that Florence and the Machine song. This should distract your 3 regular readers from realizing you have no original thoughts.

Sean: Oh yippy! Thanks a bunch Internet!

Internet: No problem Sean, and remember, if you ever want to watch gay, interracial midget porn, I'm your guy!

Sean: Uhhmmm...thanks Internet, I'll keep that in mind.

The Rundown

2010-11-13T01:47:00.003-06:00

Here's a quick rundown of the films I've watched over the past few days:

John Woo's Hard Boiled (1992)
-Lots of slow motion gun fights. Apparently guns in China never run out of bullets until the good guy is in danger of being shot in the face. That kinda bothered me, but this is still one of the best action movies I've ever seen.

9.2/ 10

Nicholas Roeg's Walkabout (1971)
-Two kids get lost in the Australian outback. The title kept making me think of the Lost episode, "Walkabout" from the first season. Man, what a great episode.

7.8/ 10

David Lean's Summertime (1955)

Katherine Hepburn goes to Venice, talks in that weird Katherine Hepburn accent, and falls in love with an Italian dude. I think somebody owes the writer of Under the Tuscan Sun some money for stealing their idea.

7.0/ 10

By the way, I realized the other day that I really don't give a shit about Tron: Legacy.

That is all.

Dry Heaves

2010-11-12T02:28:00.002-06:00

Tonight, I made my Chicago stand-up debut, and it was an almost complete train wreck.

I try not to make excuses, but in my defense, I haven't done any stand-up since August, I was randomly picked to be the 1st comic up, the crowd was HUGE (and made up of mostly judgmental Chicago comics), I planned a 4 minute set but found out about 5 seconds before I got on stage we were only getting 2 and a half minutes each, and the room was so dark that when I went up on stage I was staring into a pitch black abyss, as if all existence in the universe had ceased to be.

So yeah, I froze on stage and forgot my opening joke.

I stood up there for what could have been between 5 seconds to an hour, trying to remember my opener.

It almost came to the point where I was going to pee my pants and start crying, but then the joke rushed into my head and I got through my set without anymore missteps.

I got a few nice chuckles so it wasn't a complete disaster, but those first few moments when I was frozen in panic will surely haunt my dreams for years to come.

This is what my night almost turned into:

Gleefully Dissapointing

2010-11-10T23:12:00.003-06:00

Sometimes I wonder why I still watch Glee.

Back in September 09, I declared Glee to be the Best New Show, which was true at the time.

(I liked how I predicted it to be quickly canceled as well)

It was a darkly whimsical take on High School shown through the eyes of a sad teacher trying to rediscover his musical glory days by living vicariously through a bunch of misfits and outcasts.

The characters were interesting and well-defined, and the writing put an intelligent spin on the usual teen-centric series of the past.

The premise of the show is taken for granted now, while also being unfairly compared to High School Musical, but at the time of its premiere, it was a refreshing concept to have a music-based show filled with energetic covers of classic and contemporary songs.

That great concept, however, was also the show's downfall.

The show that started out as character-driven series that used music to help tell the story, has turned into a musical-driven series that uses characters to help sing as many Lady Gaga covers that can possibly fit in a one hour time-slot.

I get that the theatricality is what attracts the viewers, but most of the 1st season was able to balance the absurdity of a musical while being grounded in some sort of plausible reality.

The kids sang songs only when they HAD to, in situations when singing and dancing is deemed appropriate, like if they were competing against a rival glee squad or they were practicing a new routine.

Now they sing anytime, anywhere, even when it makes absolutely no sense.

And what happened to those interesting and well-defined characters?

Besides the always enjoyable Jane Lynch as the villainous Sue Sylvester and Chris Colfer as Kurt (who seems to be the only character left on the show that resembles an actual human being), all of the characters are just caricatures of what aliens would think people act like by just passingly observing human behavior.

I stood by the show as it started falling off the rails in the latter half of the 1st season, and even kept up with it in this mostly ridiculous 2nd season:

-The Brittany episode? I don't even know what I was watching.

-The Rocky Horror epsiode? Kill me.

-Last night's episode? Kill me again.

It's hard for me to give up on a show after being a devout follower for so long, but it's getting to the point where I question why I save up so much DVR space for a show that mostly just annoys the shit out of me.

And why is Lea Michelle so skinny now? I find it hard to believe Rachel as an awkward, neurotic nerd when she looks like this:

I do appreciate the picture though.

Taking Grandma To Applebees

2010-11-10T03:16:00.002-06:00

I worked out a budget for the next few weeks.

If I want to have enough money to pay rent next month, then for the next 3 weeks I can only spend.....

Wait for it....

$59

That's $19.70 a week.

$2.81 a day.

The good news is that I didn't spend any money today, so tomorrow I can spoil myself by spending a whopping $5.62.

What Did I Learn Today?

It's never too late to learn what starving is all about.

Good Awesome Bad Awesome

2010-11-09T00:56:00.002-06:00

Good Awesome:

Conan is back and in fine, bearded form tonight with his new show.

Bad Awesome:

Indie Music God Lou Reed directed this music video for Susan Boyle. She does a cover of Reed's classic "Perfect Day" which is awesome, but it's a Susan Boyle music video, so it's also kinda bad. AV Club writer Sean O'Neal says the video " looks an awful lot like Reed’s audition reel for Twilight", which is hilariously accurate:

Beauty and Hitchcock.

2010-11-08T01:39:00.002-06:00

I'm already two films deep into the 550 movies Criterion has released, so I should get done with this by Tuesday (sometime in the year 2050).

I'll try to describe my opinions on the films in three sentences or less.

The 1st was Hitchcock's The Lady Vanishes.

An old lady disappears on a train. British people say witty things. I realized halfway through the film that I totally saw this one already when I was in the 8th grade and completely forgot about it.

Rating:
8.0/ 10

The 2nd film was Jean Cocteau's 1946 version of Beauty and the Beast.

It was very pretty to look at, but it loses some points for not having ONE talking inanimate object. I was waiting for the pretentious French avant-garde version of "Be Our Guest" the whole time. It never came.

Rating:
8.2/ 10

That Is Just SOOO Criterion

2010-11-07T01:53:00.002-05:00

I'm about to embark on an epic quest.

The quest is watching every single movie released on the Criterion Collection.

Or at least the ones I haven't watched yet, which is alot.

If you don't know what the Criterion Collection is, it's a bunch of classic foreign and indie movies that pretentious film people watch and make you feel stupid for not watching.

I want to be one of those pretentious film people, so I can have conversations that include stuff like, "I know, Jean Cocteau was just SO ahead of his time.", or , "Truffaut's early work was just SOOO much more profound than his later films.", or, "WHAT! you haven't seen the Luis Bunuel masterpiece The Discreet Charm of the Bourgeoisie? That is just SOOOOOOOOOOOO sad."

By the way, I've said these things even though I have no idea what most of the words in the previous sentences are.

My journey starts tonight with Alfred Hitchcock's The Lady Vanishes, and then, only 551 more movies after that.

This should only take me a couple of decades.

I Can See Your Ding A Ling

2010-11-05T23:14:00.003-05:00

I forgot to mention how awesome the new AMC show, The Walking Dead, is.

Well...it's awesome.

It looks like AMC is 3 for 3 in the "Great TV Show" department with this latest one, along with Mad Men and Breaking Bad (Let's forget about Rubicon, shall we?).

With that out of the way, I think it's time I start making a web series.

My fruitful career in webisodes began with In Bed with Sean, but I think you need to make more than one episode to actually call it a webisode.

Having awkward conversations with ex-girlfriends can only be funny for so long. I need to come up with something new.

But coming up with new things is so hard!

And it makes my brain sad.

Oh, and this is another tangent that doesn't have anything to do with anything I just typed, but I realized today that I have this irrational fear that whenever I'm in public, I'm convinced my pants are ALWAYS unzipped.

I constantly check my crotch to make sure my junk is in its trunk.

People must think I'm a creepster who can't stop touching himself in public.

I'm just glad I can share these things with you.

Goddamn You Half Japanese Girls

2010-11-05T01:10:00.002-05:00

I feel very embarrassed admitting this, but I had never listened to Weezer's sophomore album, Pinkerton, until 5 minutes ago.

Not that I'm a Weezer purist or anything. The Blue Album has a solid spot on my "Top 10 Albums of the 90s" list, but at the same time, most of the music they've released in the past decade has a solid spot on my "Top 10 Things That Are So Terrible It Makes Me Have A Period Even Though I'm A Guy" list.

Now that I've finally listened to Pinkerton, I wish I had discovered it in my younger years. It would have made the ages of 13 through 16 more tolerable.

It's hard to appreciate them now since it seems like they gave up a long time ago, but back in the 90s, when all the cool kids were trying to do their best Kurt Cobain impression, Weezer were those nerdy kids in the corner doing their own thing, and became the forefathers of modern day indie pop in the process.

Anyway, what I'm trying to say is "Beverly Hills" is one of my least favorite songs ever:

This is what I miss:

What was I doing in 1996 instead of listening to this record? Oh yeah, I was busy being 8.

No Biggie

2010-11-04T00:50:00.003-05:00

The company that interviewed me yesterday called me back.

YAAYYYYYY!

Only to tell me they weren't hiring me.

YAAYY....oh.

I'll be honest and say that was actually a smart decision on their part, because I'm pretty sure I wouldn't hire me either.

It was probably for the best.

I'm sure there will be plenty of chances to have a $12 an hour writing job in the future.

*Did I type $12 an hour? I meant $14 an hour. Sorry, it's hard to see through my tears*

Going Places

2010-11-03T01:38:00.004-05:00

I had my first interview for a real legit writing job today.

It went pretty terribly.

Life Fact #1

Writing self-deprecating things about yourself in a blog everyday does not give you the qualifications to write for an actual website.

The interviewer quickly brought this to my attention in the nicest way possible.

I tried recovering by spewing out word vomit.

I started talking about There Will Be Blood for some reason.

It was awful.

For the rest of the day I was pretty bummed, but these adorable videos made it a little better:

The Star Wars Trilogy, if it was made by a very crafty 10 year-old:

Jeremy Messersmith - Tatooine from Eric Power on Vimeo.

Here's another adorable video featuring one of my heroes, Amy Sedaris, and some bunnies making cupcakes. It does devolve into a Windows Office 2007 commercial towards the end, but it's still nice:

New Guy

2010-11-02T00:55:00.002-05:00

The first day at a new job is like going to a Summer Camp halfway through the summer.

Everyone has already bonded and formed strong, everlasting friendships.

Meanwhile, you're stuck doing archery, sad and alone.

It's always tough for me to be the new guy, so I decided to do something that would make me fit in very quickly.

They say when you go to prison, the first day you're there, you either need to beat the shit out of someone, or become someone's bitch.

I figured I could apply that strategy to the workplace.

So when I walked in today, a manager walked up to me and said "Hey Sean! We're glad to have you on board!".

I then pulled out a piece of wood I sharpened into a deadly knife (a shank as the kids call it these days) and stabbed him repeatedly with it.

Needless to say...it may have been a misjudgment on my part to stab my manager on the first day.

What Did I Learn Today?

I should have become someone's bitch.

I Put A Spell On You

2010-11-01T01:08:00.002-05:00

My first Halloween in Chicago was pretty uneventful, even though it was nice to find out my neighborhood is apparently the hippest place to take your kids trick or treating.

Little children were crawling around everywhere, hopped on on sugar and possibly Angel Dust, with a look in their eyes that said "I'm gonna get me some candy...or you gonna get fucked up."

I was scared.

It was as crowded as the annual Halloween party on Frenchman St. in New Orleans, except replace drunken adults with 10 year-olds (who were probably drunk too).

To celebrate this day that was ingeniously turned from a Pagan holiday into CANDY TIME!!! I will share some of that Halloween love with the one movie magical enough to make Sarah Jessica Parker look attractive:

Hocus Pocus:

Classic:

Doing Things

2010-10-31T00:32:00.002-05:00

It was a momentous day in the life of me.

I had my very first Second City class (waiting for that offer from SNL any moment now).

It was also my first day at my new job which is exciting because it means I don't have kill rats with my bare hands for food anymore (I now have enough money to afford a very cheap rat catching device).

Also, I landed an interview for a much cooler and much higher paying job (but one I'm pretty sure I'm WAY under qualified for).

I don't want to jinx myself, but I got this shit.

Thrifty

2010-10-29T20:13:00.005-05:00

I'm spending my Friday night looking through various grocery store coupons.

Since when did I become my mom?

My Halloween costume is going to be awesome this year.

I'm going as a depressed guy sitting alone in his apartment watching movies on his Netflix instant queue.

I've been listening to alot of Fleetwood Mac lately.

That's just another example of me becoming my mom.

All I need now is to go through menopause and the transformation will be complete.

Wanna Be My Friend?!!

2010-10-29T01:08:00.003-05:00

So after two weeks of living in Chicago, I have made a grand total of zero friends.

It's always been tough for me to make friends with the combination of my shyness and my innate hatred and mistrust towards others, but I've become very desperate for any kind of human interaction recently.

I live in the 3rd largest city in the U.S. and I'm constantly surrounded by people in the streets or buses or trains, yet I can't seem to actually meet people.

It's like going to a huge party, but you don't know anyone and no one wants to talk to you.

So far, my only tactic for meeting people is making eye contact with other passengers on the train in hopes that someone will look back and say, "Hey random guy awkwardly staring at me! Wanna be besties?"

This strategy has surprisingly not worked at all.

My next plan is to slip a Roofie is someone's drink, kidnap them, and hold them against their will until they agree to at least friend me on Facebook (and they have to talk to me on Facebook chat AT LEAST once a day!).

If that doesn't work, I guess I could casually engage people in conversation, but that would just be ridiculous.

Sean on the Ground

2010-10-28T03:14:00.004-05:00

The Sleigh Bells concert tonight was fun in the sun (and by sun I mean a crowd of sweaty hipsters).

The two band members put on a hell of a show, but I think the M.V.P. award goes to their Mac Book Pro, which I'm pretty sure was playing 90% of the music for them.

All the band had to do was dance around and say random lyrics that may or may not have been lip synced into a microphone.

It was like watching a very aggressive Kidz Bop commercial.

It doesn't matter though, because at the end of the show, the very attractive lead singer, Alexis Krauss, ripped off her shirt and threw it in the audience, which my mind recorded, and will be replaying on a loop for the next eternity.

Oh by the way, I just got a new job, which means I can finally leave Blockbuster, and I MEAN it this time!

And to celebrate my final escape from the clutches of a bankrupt video store chain, here's a Kidz Bop classic:

LCD Soundsystem Is Playing At My House

2010-10-26T02:03:00.002-05:00

The LCD Soundsystem/ Hot Chip concert my roomate and I went to tonight just may be the best one-two punch of any show I've ever been to.

If Hot Chip's incredibly mind-blowing opening performance wasn't quite mind-blowing enough for you, there's still LCD Soundsystem, who just may have dethroned Radiohead as the best live show I've seen. (It helps that I was 14 feet away from the stage for LCD. I was about 14 thousand feet away from Radiohead)

My hearing may be severely damaged from being so close to giant speakers, but who needs ALL five senses to live happily anyway? (I'm sure that Sleigh Bells show I'm going to Wednesday night will help the hearing)

Now I'm going to watch the special features on my Beauty and the Beast blu-ray, because that's how I get all the ladies.

Down The Oscar Bait Hole

2010-10-25T01:09:00.003-05:00

And the award for Most Soul-Crushingly Depressing Movie Trailer goes to the new John Cameron Mitchell film, Rabbit Hole, based on the Pulitzer-winning play about a married couple struggling to come to grips with their lives after the tragic death of their young son...but who reads anyways?:

If I can somehow escape from the bottomless pit of despair this trailer just put me in, I will definitely check it out when it's released in December.

Calling It

2010-10-24T03:54:00.003-05:00

I'm just gonna come out and say it:

Kanye West's My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy is going to be the album of the year.

Unless Radiohead releases something this year of course.

That's really all I had to say today, except that I've been getting into the band Zola Jesus:

Shut-In

2010-10-23T01:20:00.002-05:00

So you've moved to Chicago, one of the most exciting and invigorating places in the United States.

A city overflowing with so much culture, music, art and film that it's bursting at the seams.

Everyday day, Chicago is filled with a ridiculous amount of things to do.

Copious amounts of experiences awaiting for you to discover and cherish.

So how are you going to spend your Friday in this wonderful city, Sean?

"Well, I think I'm going to wake up at 3 PM, and then after that, I'm going to sit in my underwear and watch TV all day, never once leaving my apartment, or even have any beam of light from the outside world touch my skin."

What Did I Learn Today?

Old habits die hard.

Just Say Yes

2010-10-22T01:43:00.003-05:00

I wish I was a drug addict.

It would make me being poor seem much more legitimate, while also being more fun.

I'm broke, not because my money is going towards a crippling drug addiction, but because I have no money to spend on anything, illegal or not.

At least with a drug addiction, I would have something to look forward too, instead all I have to look forward to is trying to eat a stale Pop Tart without crying.

And The Horror-Themed Cable Television Award Goes To...

2010-10-21T01:03:00.005-05:00

So I actually took the time out of my life last night to watch Spike's 2010 Scream Awards, which is the Oscars for mediocre horror and sci-fi films.

If there were an award show for award shows, I thing the Scream Awards would be a lock for the Most Stupidly Awesome Award Show award.

Not only was the audience made up mostly of young, attractive women in revealing *insert slutty version of whatever* costumes, but also the stage was surrounded by giant gargoyles...that shot out FIRE!

For a ridiculously cheesy cable award show, it definitely had an impressive lineup of presenters.

It was a pleasure to watch Christopher Nolan trying not to look embarrassed for himself, as well as watching Sir Anthony Hopkins, one of the most accomplished and respected actors of all-time, attempting to read awkward banter from a teleprompter while avoiding being engulfed in flames by a big, mechanical gargoyle.

Spike did present a classy moment when they presented a lifetime achievement award to Fahrenheit 451 author Ray Bradbury, who was, surprisingly, absent from the festivities.

Bradbury winning made two thoughts enter my mind:

1. I really wish he would have shown up, so the producers could have dumped blood on him. It would be the Scream Awards equivalent to the slime on Nickelodeon's Kid Choice Awards.

and

2. Ray Bradbury is still alive? I honestly thought that guy was a published author in the 1800s.

The show did have some cool highlights though, like Michael J. Fox and Christopher Lloyd reuniting to remind us to purchase the new Back to the Future blu-ray, as well as seeing Bill Murray accept an award dressed in full Ghostbusters gear. (I also thought he had the funniest line of the night with, "I want to dedicate this award to all my dead friends; John Candy, Rodney Dangerfield...and Mickey Rourke.".

Oh, and they threw in a very weird surprise performance by M.I.A., because WHY NOT???

Will Improv For Cash

2010-10-19T22:54:00.002-05:00

Does anyone have money they can lend me?

I only need like $500 to avoid being homeless.

If you read my last post, you would know that being homeless in Chicago is not a great option.

Lesson #1: Do not move to a big, expensive city with only $1,000 in your bank account and no job.

Consider that lesson definitely learned by this guy.

Could it be time to start selling my body for profit?

Yes.

Hobo Joe And The Magical Wheelchair

2010-10-19T02:49:00.003-05:00

I don't know how to feel about that Mad Men season finale.

It left me feeling a little cold, but maybe that's because my room doesn't have a heater and it's freezing outside.

Anyway, I've noticed there's a different class of crazy homeless people in Chicago.

There are definitely some pretty crazy homeless people in Louisiana, (I'm looking at you, homeless guy in a wheelchair who blocked traffic because you were in the middle of the street yelling at invisible people), but the ones in Chicago have this special gravitas to them that put them on a higher level of bat shit insanity.

For instance, the crazy hobo I pass by everyday who stands in the middle of a busy intersection and acts like Charles Manson having an epileptic seizure.

Or the guy I saw the other day who had drool dripping from his mouth, with a look in his eyes that told me he had just seen the infinite abyss that is eternity...and he was not happy with what he saw.

I should definitely not make light of the homeless situation that is way out of control in American cities.

These people need food, not mockery.

But honestly, with many of these crazy hobos that I see struggling to survive everyday on the streets, I feel like if I give them a burger, they will either try to have sex with it, or murder it before they actually try to eat it.